Thursday, June 10, 2010

Broken Pictures

I remember a few weeks before HeeJ and I went to Alaska I posted a status update on Facebook that said I was "broken". I was referring to my inability to get pregnant and that I felt broken. Oh, I was so naive. I scoff at that little girl now. I had no idea what broken really meant. What it feels like to really be broken. silly little girl.

I stare at the pictures of me and HeeJun in high school and college and it's like looking at a stranger. More like a girl I heard about in stories, fairy tales. I can't relate to her. I can't recall her feelings. Sometimes I stare at her more than I stare at HeeJun. Who was that girl? So hopeful. With so many dreams.
I look at the girl in the pictures of my wedding. Pictures on vacations. Pictures to Alaska. Who is the girl? I don't recognize her.

The irony is I look at pictures of me now, and I don't recognize myself. When did I get short, dark hair? Where did that weight come from? Where did that pain behind the eyes come from? Where did that smile come from?

I wonder when the day will come that I look at a picture and say, "oh, there I am!"


Mel said...

I know just what you mean.

Those old photos of myself hurt. I don't know that girl either. I look at her like she is someone else. She is.

Thank you for expressing it so well.

womanNshadows said...

i agree. you expressed it very well. the girl i was no longer exists. the woman i am is a stranger. it is too late for a resurrection of myself. i believe that you are only sleeping. i believe that you will wake up and rejoin life and have all the wonderful things you deserve.

Suddenwidow said...

You are so right. I'm in limbo between the naive person I was and the wiser, more compassionate person I hope to become, after I leave the shock of grief behind. I feel like I'm getting closer to recognizing myself again. Hopefully she'll appear soon.

Braddy Family said...

Hey girl,

The short hair is so super cute so even if you don't recognize her she is one sexy mama! I cannot relate but I pray for you often and I KNOW that God will restore you not just to the girl you once were but even better, more compassionate and loving because of your pain. Every ache your heart feels, He feels with you.

Love you!