Tuesday, July 27, 2010

How to Date a Widow

(Did you know there is an ehow for this type of thing? That makes me laugh. )
Or more appropriately titled; How I learned to Date. Or How Erica Got Her Groove Back. Or God Has A Sense of Humor.
1st Guy: The sign
1. Meet a guy on an airplane on valentines day. Flirt a little.
2. Not impressed with his pictures of rocket ships and his impulse to say we are soulmates within 5 minutes of meeting.
3. Acknowledged that he was an answer to the prayers if I was ready to date.
4. High fived anyone nearby after getting off the plane! I flirted! I talked to a guy for 90 minutes without freaking out!

2nd dude:

1. Realized that I am not ready since I talked about HeeJun the whole time and might have witnessed the faster runner on earth after he dropped me off.
2. Acknowledged that this was not it, since I went home and just missed HeeJun. I missed the comfort. I cried after each date.

3rd guy: The Weather Man
1. Enjoyed the flirting.
2. Didn't about HeeJun at all. The poor guy has no clue.
3. Just talked about the weather.
4. Missed HeeJun every minute I spent with him.
5. Freaked out when God uses his humor and has us seated right next to my sister-in-law at a restaurant! Really? Really?!
The Gift
1. The Gift needs a post all his own. There are not steps for him. I'm not even sure where to begin. He lets me talk about HeeJun all I want. He says he loves how I love HeeJun and he wants to honor HeeJun by taking care of me. Who says that?
I feel like God has been preparing me for this. Preparing my heart to be ready for this. The Gift understood that my heart was guarded. He respected that. He simply gets me. He sent me flowers. He opens doors for me. I think HeeJun and him would have been great friends. HeeJun would scoff that he opens door for me, but they would have been friends. I like having my door opened for me. I deserve it!
God, again, has a sense of humor. Guess what The Gift enjoys...motorcycles. Crap! You can see why my heart was so guarded. That was number one NO WAY JOSE on the list. But God said, "Erica, you ain't got no control over this. Trust in me." The Gift understands my trauma and anxiety and panic when I see, hear or think about motorcycles. He gets the reason why I just can't deal with that. We will cross that bridge when we get there...
He loves Jesus. He had me at "Dear God". I stand amazed daily that God has brought me here. I constantly say to him "how did this happen?" Where did this smile come from?
Even a few months ago, I wrote in my journal how much I hated my life. I just wrote, " i hate my life" over and over again. It wasn't in a "kill myself" kind of way, but I just longed for this life to be over. For Heaven to come. I couldn't see joy ahead or any happy days. When you know what Heaven holds, why wouldn't you yearn for it? I liked my life okay, I just really hated that it would go on for so long. I woke up every morning and yelled FUCK while getting out of bed. I can still feel the slow crawl of dread going up my spine.
Now I see Hope. I see Joy. It doesn't all rest on this guy. I never want to be that type of girl that is only happy with a guy. But he has shown me that God does love. God does care. He cared enough to send me this gift. So there is Hope for Joy in my future.


Amanda said...

Ahhhh! I'm smiling.

Jill said...

hey :)
I found your blog through others.... I can't believe that there are a gazillion of us widowed bloggers.
my husband was killed in a motorcycle accident on August 18, 2008.
( i need to back track and read more of your past posts... because I can imagine we're traveling a similar journey)

I SMILED when you said that your new friend is in to bikes as well. I've got a guy friend that is taking motorcycle classes this week! (odd, huh?)

anyway, thanks for blogging. It's encouraging :)

Amy E said...

hope is a beautiful, beautiful thing. thanks for wowing us all with how cool God is. you make my heart happy! :)

womanNshadows said...

i am so very happy for you. i think of you often and always keep you in my prayers.

Steven and Candi Manning said...

I don't know if you heard it or not, but I just squealed:) I had to read your post out loud so that I could feel all the emotion of it. So thankful to hear the hope in your words! God is so good:)

Jessie said...

Ahhhh-MAZING. I'm smiling ear to ear for you :)

the Orrs said...

Aw, yay :-) I've been waiting for this post.

The Barbee Family said...

Smiling with you!

amcneely said...

What a road to travel. You amaze me, and I am so glad for the glimmers you are getting to see. I am going to refer to this on a blog post. If you're not okay with that, just tell me to take it down. Prayers for more lovely times and smiles for you!!

J-in-Wales said...

What a happy post!
He does indeed sounds like a gift.

the braddy family said...

I knew God was going to do something big with you!!! I just knew it. I can't wait to see your faith on the other side of this. Oh how easy it is to trust God with things are great, but how AWESOME to trust God when this aren't. Love you, can't wait to meet this fellow!

Lauren said...

I haven't checked anyone's blogs in a long time, but how thankful I am that today I decided to play catch up! I totally cried when i read your post...very moved & thankful for how the Lord is revealing hope in your life! Rejoicing with you!

Emily said...

oh Erica.......my heart is singing with happiness for you......I'm smiling too :)