Friday, February 27, 2009

the in between place

Have you ever watched Hook? There is a line in the movie when Tinkerbell tells Peter that she exists in the place between sleep and awake. That is how I have been feeling. Kinda.

Maybe I shouldn't read people's blogs anymore or facebook status'. I just end up either so sad or so bitter. Last night after reading all these, I just couldn't grasp that this was my life and those other posts were going on. That babies were being born, and people were having dinner with their husband, or going for walks, or celebrating parties. I had a notion that that was my life, too. I couldn't wrap my brain around that it wasn't. I know it doesn't make sense. I mean, reality is right in front of me. But the brain can be funny. Sometimes I feel like I can't figure out which life is real. Did the life I had, the love I had with HeeJun really happen? Was all that real? Is all this real? Each life, I realized, are so different. Drastically. So sometimes, it feels like I have been doing this life forever. Then I realize, no, i did have something more before...
I used to wake up in the dark with HeeJun by my side. i used to have to get up on the 2nd alarm so i wouldn't wake up HeeJun. This life, I hit the snooze for an hour before i roll out of bed and turn on the light.
i used to get dressed in the closet and blow dry my hair and put on makeup in the spare bedroom while HeeJun slept. this life, i do it all in the bathroom with the light on and blaring the music.
i used to eat breakfast. this life, i rush and eat cheerios in the car, while putting on makeup in the car.
i used to have HeeJun laying on my left to wake me up when i was sleep walking. now i sleep on his side (just started doing that) and who knows how much i am sleep walking. I used to stress at work about getting home before him. this life, i try to stay at work as long as i can so i won't be alone in the house.
i used to not have a dog.
i used to not drink coffee every hour.
i used to work out at a gym.
i used to cook dinner for HeeJun and sit down at the coffee table to eat. this life, a bag of tostitos usually suffices. i used to not eat ice cream.
i used to call HeeJun at 4:30 every day on the way home.
i used to love siting at bookstores with HeeJun on Friday nights, reading magazines. I used to be able to read more than one paragraph a week in a book.
i used to have someone to make decisions with about traveling, money, taxes, churches...
i used to have someone to kiss.
i used to watch American Idol.
I used to love curling up next to HeeJun on the couch watching movies on weekends. Funny, I used to get mad that he had the better side of the couch. Now, i still sit on the bad end of the couch.
I used to love shopping while he was riding.
I used to go to On the Border every week with HeeJun.
I used to watch motorcycle racing.
I used to have another half.
I used to not know how to blog.
This life is so different. Which one is for real?

2 comments:

gurple7 said...

:(

I thought this was a great blog. Great in the sense that it lets your friends and family and whoever else reads know how your life has changed. Obviously, everyone thinks about the big things but not those little every day things like breakfast vs cereal in the car. It helps me to think of you often realizing the gravity of the situation and pray. (hug)

Angie Smith said...

i just wanted you to know i stopped by, and i am mourning with you as you adjust to this new life. i got your email, and was blessed to "meet" your husband through video and your loving words. may God strengthen you and bring inexplicable peace to you all of your days...
angie smith