Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Always on my mind

Valentine's day will be the 6th month mark. 6 months. 6 months since the last time i saw my husband. 6 months since i thought HeeJun would be home soon from his ride. 6 months since i curled up next to HeeJun on the couch. 6 months since he patted me up the steps as i was falling asleep. 6 months since he didn't wake me up to say goodbye. still doesn't feel real. still feels like a dream. a nightmare. everyone said in the beginning that "time would heal all things", and looking back, i guess i am slowly starting to come out of the fog. i still feel guilty about that. maybe guilt isn't the right word. i just feel like if i am ok, than it means my hurt is forgettable. and i still hurt deeply. but i can get out of bed a little easier, dance a little longer, walk a little farther, laugh a little louder, (whoa, isn't that a song?).

I read these quotes from a friend's blog. Is she reading my mind?
" Instead of picking out nursery furniture, I was picking out my husband's casket". If i had it my way, right now I would be 6 months pregnant, not 6 months a widow.
"Most people cry out to God for Him to give them a ministry to reach others. I seem to be running from it." I cringe when i hear people sing or pray for God to "bring on the rain", or "break me". They have no idea. What I would give to be able to write a blog post about ordinary, every day things. I used to wish I had a more eventful life, interesting things to write about. boy, was i naive. I used to joke with HeeJun that i was going to start a blog just writing about The OC and Gilmore Girls being cancelled, or about So You Think You Can Dance. if only...

they asked me to start leading groups again at work. oh boy. they are in for quite an experience. i just don't know if i am there yet. i am unstable enough. dealing with unstable kids might just push us all over the edge. i might be running away, flinging feces, hopping on trains, and flipping over desks with my students. well, maybe not the flinging feces part. that's just gross.

1 comment:

Craig Morrisette said...

Erica. My eyes are brimming with tears. I love your transparency. Thank you for being "real" and saying it like it is. I'm praying for you today and tomorrow.
<3, Kim <><