Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Hope, Faith and lots of Ice Cream

With the help of Brittany, 2 crazy dogs, a snuggly cat, prayers, Hope, Faith and lots of ice cream (and one margarita) I made it through the 6th month mark. I still can't believe it has been 6 months. I can still hear the door bell ring and the trooper say the words, "it's bad". I can still hear my mom on the phone saying "we are on our way". I can still hear B and O screaming, beating the walls.

The plane rides to 'Bama were the worst. I could see HeeJun sitting in the place we waited for our Alaska flight. I could hear him grumbling at Delta when they double booked our flight. I could see him laughing at me while getting searched. Having to drive to the airport myself and park myself was terrible. Coming back to Charlotte with no one to greet me was awful. When I came back from Russia, he was there to greet me. I imagined I would see his feet coming into view as I rode the escalator. I almost had the thought that he would be there. It's weird how your mind can play tricks on you, kinda like pregnancy brain, but instead it's grief brain.

I came back with so many thoughts. I think I allowed myself to be so distracted with Brittany, which I needed. I do not think I could have bore it if I had not given myself that break. Some thoughts;
  • Without other prayers I think I would be curled up in a ball in the darkness. The prayers are felt daily, hourly,...
  • The future is such an inconsistent thought with me. Sometimes it scares the crap-ola out of me. Sometimes I think, ok, i can do this. I'm just in rewind, starting over. but most of the time i just can't imagine what life will be like without my HeeJuna.
  • I'm so mad now at motorcycles. widow makers. at first i was not. i was proud that HeeJun rode. i didn't want to blame the motorcycles. but now i just want to slap his friends that watched him die and are still getting on their bikes. i want to slap the little naive kids who think nothing will happen to them. HeeJ and I were the same way. He was safe, with all the gear, so we thought nothing will happen. He would say if "i die riding, at least i die doing something I love, or at least I am chilling with Lemonade in Heaven". BOLOGNA!!! We were so naive and stupid to think that this would not happen. and yet, his friends are still saying the same things and still riding, still thinking it will never happen to them. HeeJun would have never rode if he knew the hurt it was going to cause. Because this hurts. a lot. it hurts way more than the thrill of riding, or the...well, i was going it say it hurts more than the Hope/ Knowledge that he is with Christ, but that is not true. It hurts, but my Hope is stronger than the pain.

And on a funny note: I sleep walk and talk almost every night. Over Christmas, Brit and I shared a room and I must have slept walked over to her bed. It scared the crap out of her. Her screams scared me and almost made me faint. This past weekend we shared a room again. I must have sat up sleep walking and she thought I was a ghost or burglar. She started screaming, the kind of screams actors practice for in scary movies. Blood curdling! In my dream state I knew there was a girl screaming but I could not figure out who she was. I knew I had to calm her down or she was going to kill me. So I started saying "girl, it's me. calm down". Brit realized it was me and calmed down. We were talking about how scary that was and all I am thinking is "who the heck is this and how do I get out of here". I finally asked her "where is brittany?" and she realized i was still dreaming. isn't that crazy. i can still dream even though there is chaos around me. And this is the reason I do not own a gun. but if there are any robbers or burglars reading this, i do own a tazer and i am the master at restraining!

1 comment:

Jessie said...

I've seen your skills, you don't even need the taser. You know you can always call me and we can roll the burglar down the hallway together... ;)ac