Sorrowful, but tryin to rejoice.

Ayayayayayay.

What a roller coaster ride of a week. I hate roller coasters.

After my little trip to the ER, I came back to work and "ouched" my back cleaning Yoga Mats. Seriously?! Who does that?

I don't know if it was being sick, being in pain, my car needing new brakes, or just being sad, but, man, it was like I was in the first month all over again. I just picked up my Bible and combed through it searching for a message about me, for me. Nothing. I threw the Psalms out because "David was being persecuted and under attack. I'm not". I tossed Piper's book "Fighting for Joy" off the bed because "what's the point?". I needed something, anything to say "Erica, I know. I hurt, too. I'm sorry this happened, but I got this. I love you." I don't even ask the "why" question anymore. i just want to hear that He is Good. I need to know that It's true even though it doesn't feel like it.

Then I read "Jesus wept". I know. How cliche. How many times have i heard that? but it hit home. Jesus ran to His friends house and he was sad. so sad he cried like me. he wept. He knew it was going to happen. But He was still sad. Maybe he wept for HeeJun, too. Well, maybe he wept for me.

Then I read 2 Corinthians 6:10, "Sorrowful, but rejoicing". I can be sad and still rejoice? Because I know Jesus. Because I have the Hope that "He's got this". Everytime the sorrow comes, it still feels like the first time and it feels like it will never end. But then comfort and peace, somehow follow and I fall asleep or go to work or laugh or dance. Somehow.

My kids at work have noticed, too somehow. Maybe because I am started to engage in their groups more. I had three kids at separate times either ask me how my husband died, remind the lunch table that "Mrs. Erica's husband died", and yell out in the pool that "Mrs. Erica is a widow". Gotta love those goofy bastards.

My friend Emily (she rocks) sent me tickets to the Chris Tomlin concert this Friday. I knew it would be intense so I enlisted the help of a super Poppen to go with me. We got there right as the opening act was ending and we were escorted to the FRONT ROW. Even if you don't appreciate Christian music, it's kinda cool to be in the front row of anything, right?

So Chris, yeah we're tight like that now, was exciting and energetic. But man, it was hard to sing those songs at first. I mean, How Great is Our God?! My heart just wouldn't let me sing it. But then, he sings a song "written for people who have lost someone" and my stone heart melted. It felt good. And all day today I have been blaring those words and just craving that experience again. (it helps that Chris is a cutey-patootey, too)

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul I can say

"It is well"

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

And I will rise

when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near

When this darkness breaks to light

And the shadows disappear

And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,

"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I hear the cry of every longing heart,

"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I will rise when

He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

...And rise I will rise