Tuesday, April 7, 2009


Do you ever think there will be a day that I wake up on time? I am thinking of investing in an automatic coffee maker so I can plug it up right by my bed and just chug it to drag myself out of bed. It doesn't help that a) I stay up late reading and b) juneau moved the door last night and it creaked and scared the wits out of me. i jumped on the bed and yelled "i've got a gun!"

I started reading David Jeremiah's book When Your World Falls Apart last night and honestly, i got pissed and confused. here goes my rant;

I loved these words,
God says to us (during our "disruptive moments") Stay where you are. I'll be there with you."

In the midst of our tragic circumstances. we have the richest fellowship Christ afforded to us.

your weakness will serve to magnify the glory of My (Christ's) Power in such a way that no one will ever again be able to explain your experince in human terms.-
This is what I hope for in the future. That one day my Faith will be so strong because of all this. I just can't imagine that right now.

I hated these words;
Our heavenly father disciplines us so that we will grow up to be partakers of his Holiness.
He is training us by our trials, God allowed this in your life to train you.

I hated those words because it made me think of my God sitting there saying "I gotta teach Erica a lesson here. Let's kill her husband who she loves to teach her to love me". or it made me think that He did this to discipline me. I can not believe that. In this book, the author's trial was cancer and I can almost see that given a disease or loss of a job or something like that could be seen as a way that God is teaching. I kinda get that.

When I lost my first job, I was devastated, but now looking back, i see that God had something even better for me. I can not imagine saying that about HeeJun passing. That God had something better for me. geez.

I refuse to believe that the God that calls for me to love Him and glorify Him, would be a God who kills my husband to teach me a lesson or discipline me. yes, i do believe He can use this to teach me or grow me closer to Him. I can already see how He is using it to grow other family members and friend closer to Him. But I refuse to imagine My God tapping his fingers and writing a lesson plan to kill HeeJun. When i read those words, i envisioned this evil mastermind slowing tapping his fingers together with a menancing laugh, planning the destruction of life.

i know, it is way beyond anything i can understand. that is the Mystery of Christ, right? That everything is in His plans and He is in control. It's a fight I am going to have to fight every moment, i think. to just remind myself that yes, I don't understand why this happened, but God is here with me and loves me. He does. He does. He does.

Onto some funny stories;

Tomorrow at work we will have our annual Easter Egg Hunt. I usually plan a big Spring Fling, but just couldn't muster the extra ommph this year, so we are only doing the hunt. The kids won't even notice as long as they get their candy. So, tonight I was downloading Spring songs to play and I put what I thought was the bunny hop on the CD. Thank goodness I listened to the CD before burning it, because i heard "bleepety bleep bunny hop bleep bleeping bleep". That would have been awesome to play over the loudspeaker! i could just imagine the looks on the staff's faces. the kids wouldn't have even noticed, sadly.

today a neighbor soliciting his experience mowing lawns and landscaping rang my doorbell. when he figured out through talking to me who i was (the widow-note to self; sew scarlett W on all shirts) he back tracked- and offered to landscape my yard for free. it's kinda amazing, cause just about three minutes before he arrived I was taking Juneau for a walk and actually starting caring about how terrible my yard looks. i didn't care before today, but suddenly I got the urge to make it look a little bit decent (so I don't get written up again by the HOA).

Ah, reminds me of a funny story...We used to get written up all the time by the HOA- grass too high, trailer in the yard- Heejun blamed it on being Asian. I went to one of the meetings once and I think the last text i sent HeeJ was from that meeting saying that HOA's were stupid. he hated our HOA. He raised a ruckus at one of the meetings.

Back to the original neighbor and my lawn story-as HeeJun said "there are no coincidences" isn't it amazing that the day i start caring about my lawn and kinda getting stressed about it, a stranger shows up at my door to say "hey, i can help"

He does. He does. He does.


Anonymous said...

about the book excerpt- that is garbage!!! i would be so angry too reading that (in fact it angers me without even reading it). discipline NO, allow YES. i can't believe God planned this for anybody's "discipline". no way. He allowed it for reasons we will never understand. He knew of course, and i have to believe He hurt for you. He adores you. a father is overjoyed when his daughter is happy and His heart breaks when her heart breaks. so it is with you. Satan is the one who comes to steal, kill, and destroy... our Father comes to give life. He will use this, He will redeem it somehow... He always does. (did you read angie's recent blog Unredeemed? it speaks to this) Girl, i'm with you. go with your gut on this one. that may be truth for some situations but is NOT a blanket truth.

and as for your "coincidental" free landscaping offer... that speaks of a Father LOVING his daughter in the details. i love it. praising Him tonight for that blessing! love you girl.

amy eudy said...

oopsie- the above post was from amy e. :) so glad i can comment now!

Brittany said...

That author has obviously never had someone dear, and close to him die unexpectedly and tragically. He is full of cr@p! I don't believe his BS for one second. Our God is not vengeful or spiteful.

You can borrow my scarlet "W" whenever you need to! I am getting tired of wearing it anyway! :)

Split-Second Single Father said...

"He does. He does. He does." Beautiful.

Growing in faith has also been hard for me in all of this. Somehow having the knowledge that my wife is in Heaven has made her death more bearable, but I can't say it has improved my faith. But hang in there and keep trying. That's the important thing. Even when it feels like God's not listening, He is and He does love you. Repeat that as often as is necessary.

Anonymous said...

Dearest E,

My first inclination is that the phrase is very poorly written. I'd have to read the context and all, but I doubt the author was thinking about all types of trials when she wrote that...or maybe that's the only type she's ever been through. I certainly hope so anyway or else she's going to lose a lot of readers before she even really gets into her point. I think you should just turn the page or maybe tear it out :)

Secondly, your HOA story is kind of funny but I'm sure frustrating at the time. And the "Bunny Hop" story hilarious.

Love you :)

The Widower Dad said...

As I read your posts I can't help but think about how journeys can be so similar. The events and details are different, but the path God sends us on is similar.

I can't find the words to express my hope for you, so I give you the inspiring words that have helped me fell better about things I can't understand.

Romans 8:28 (NIV) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,who have been called according to his purpose.