Sunday, April 5, 2009

haunted

where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which i find myself constantly walking around in the day time, and falling into at night.

i'm ok. enjoying seeing friends and going for walks with juneau.

but whenever i am in the car, or see a motorcycle, or smell the flowers, or feel the cool breeze, memories of that day kept creeping in. thinking of what HeeJun must have been feeling. thinking about that one tear. thinking about the troopers at my house. what if i had been out of town? what if i hadn't answered the door? what if amory hadn't been home? remembering calling Bomi. realizing that this is real. sometimes it feels like i just talked to him yesterday. realizing that we won't have an anniversary this year, or a family, we won't grow old together. this is fricking for real. it's an instant of feeling sorrow, and then someone calls, or i figure out how to work a new gadget on my phone, or i realize i need to clean out that stink in my refridgerator, or the laundry buzzes...so i pick myself up and embrace the fact that i just miss him.

3 comments:

Empie said...

Erica,
I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I think of you a lot. Your honesty reminds me not to take anything for granted. I pray that Jesus holds you in his arms every moment. He's the only one who can.
Love you,
Emily

daniela said...

Erica,
I feel with you,my friend.Vacation,time with family without him is sooooo hard! I put Isabel to sleep tonight and was saying to her:"Good night baby, say good night to Daddy"....and she waved to the celling and said whispering:"Daddy". That was it....I lost it right there.That special word in her little mouth was a precious moment.Oh, how I miss the love of my life!!!!!!I think of you often and pray for you!
Daniela

Brittany said...

I'm praying for you tonight... may you sleep well.