Widow in the Snow

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Snow pretty much sucks. As a widow, I hate it. It reminds me that I am alone. I don't have HeeJun anymore to make the decision if it's okay to drive. I don't have him anymore to go pick up the much needed White Chocolate Mocha. I don't have him anymore to cuddle up on the couch and watch movies with on snow days.

I felt really trapped and lonely yesterday. I didn't want to venture out.

I didn't want to, but I did. I took the dogs for a walk. I watched the neighborhood kids sled down the hill.

Just that one step out the door, gave me a boost in self confidence and a push out of the self pity party and into the ROCK BAND party. I have to admit, if you want to get out of a funk, play a little Rock Band with my incredible neighbors!

I even ventured out today to get a Mocha all by myself. I threw my hand in the arm and performed a little fist pumping action once I got to the Starbucks!

May I tirade?

May I vent for a moment?

My husband worked for the bank. I have done everything I thought needed to be done to inform the bank what happened. So why do I keep getting his atm card and statements addressed to him?

Why do I still get life insurance advertisements addressed to him? For irony?

And to add insult to aching hurt, did the IRS have to address their tax statement to HeeJun Kim, DEC'D?

This is a joke

HeeJun was never a practical joker. Although, he did love giving silly gag gifts at Christmas. But never a joker.



So, I wonder why when the troopers told me HeeJun had been in an accident and it was bad, I kept saying "this is a joke." Kept screaming, "you're joking". I'm not one who usually thinks things are jokes. I wonder where that came from. Shock. Not being able to process it. Shock is a weird thing. I remember shaking uncontrollably and not being able to stand.


This came to my mind today for two reasons. I was reminded of the words we say during shock from a bereaved mother's blog. Her screams of NO reminded me of my screams, prayers that it was all a joke. I found the little pink slip of paper the troopers used to identify my house and to remember what to tell me.



Burke Co.

Trooper Wakefield

Asian Male

Wife Erica

Taken to Grace Hospital

Completed

I have finished several things in the past week.

The scrapbook is completed.

The journal of all the memories I have of HeeJun is on the last page and last memory.

I "graduated" from my counseling sessions.

Moorea is going to graduate from puppy class this week.

I can't describe what I have been feeling lately. If someone asks me how I am doing, or what i have been up to, I honestly can't recall. I can only tell you what I am feeling right then, at that very moment. Unless I am reminded of something, "oh yeah, that's right, I did go to a concert; oh yeah, that's right, i did meet up with friends; oh yeah,I did get teary-eyed at that party...", i have a hard time remembering. It's not memory loss. I think I'm just taking the saying "one moment at a time" very literally.

So, if you catch me in those moments where I am laughing and enjoying work,

Keep Holding On

Don't give up.

It would be so easy to give up on God when tradegy strikes.

Our culture, the world and some stupid people teach us that God is like Santa. All rainbows and lollipops. If we believe the idea that He bring us good things if we are well-behaved, then it would be so easy to give up on Him when bad things happen.

The Truth is that He never promises an easy life. In fact He talks about trials, persecution, and even earthquakes. But many of us grow up thinking that if we believe in God, everything will be ok and safe. Then, a car crash happens, a baby dies, a squirrel runs out in front of a motorcycle, an earthquake crushes a city, a heart gives out. Our Faith is shaken.

God never says bad things won't happen. Sin came into the world. Satan roams the world we can't even see. Jesus gifted us with Free Will. We are human and our bodies are fragile. Yep, bad things are going to happen.

But He does promise to be there for us when those bad things happen. He promises to never leave us. He promises to comfort us, to hold us. He promises to bring us out from the crashing waves. He promises that soon there will be no more death and He will wipe our tears. He weeps with us when we are hurting.

Oh, I know that is so hard to believe and hear when you are in the midst of the pain. I even wrote in one of these posts that I hated God. I know.

But I also know what it's like to keep holding on and fighting.

So, don't give up.

Changes

I like sleeping on his side of the bed. It's closer to the bathroom and farther from the door...

But I miss having him to cuddle with at night.

I like sitting on his side of the couch. It's a better view of the t.v...

But I miss not having him next to me to watch the tv and laugh with.

I like being able to eat whatever I want to...

But I miss cooking for him and i hate all the weight I've gained.

I like getting my coffee every morning, whenever I want... I hate that I have to have a coffee every morning because I don't sleep well without him.

I love having my dogs now...I hate that he never met them.

I love meeting with friends whenever I want.i love the profoundly deep friendships with kind, loving and FUN people I have gained through this. I love that I am closer to my sister now... I miss him having to share that with.

I love my pink, short hair... He would have hated it. I miss his face when he didn't like something.

I like driving his Moreno...I miss riding shotgun while he drove it.

i like taking the dogs for walks at night... I miss walking with him.

i like being able to buy things whenever i want...i hate having to manage the bills. (and i hate not having a second income. worrying about money sucks.)

i love the church that i'm going to...I miss having him there to lead me.

I love the deeper relationship with Christ I have gained through this.... I miss having him with me.

Pinky

Yes, my hair is pink. I love it. I'm a walking billboard to remember to do your self-breast-exam every month.

It's all for my sweet friend who is kicking cancer's ass. They won't take my hair for Locks Of Love, so I did this and matched the cost to go to a cancer research. We all wish we could make it better, don't we?

She has said that sometimes when she takes off her wig or hat, she gets stares from people. Well, at least now if she's with me, she can avoid the stares:)

(This is how lazy I have become. I couldn't even take the time to wash a spoon, so I dug through the large spoon and spatula bin and found this spoon to use instead.)

I went to a concert this weekend. Third Day. Tenth Avenue North. Newsboys. Fireflight. Newsong. Every moment was absolutely incredible. We were so close I could almost touch them, literally. If I was only Elasta-Woman.

Ps. If you are friends with anyone from Tenth Avenue North, your mission is to introduce me. Now!

The best part of the concert....other than seeing the 11 and 12 year olds I was with praising God, and the fact that I could actually sing a praise song without feeling utter disappointment and sadness, or the fact that I was so giddy and joyful I could have busted (it really helps that those guys are unbelievably hot),... was spending time with HeeJun's best friend from college, Carrie. Carrie and I played Wii and let the pups have a fun play date on Saturday. Sunday we headed to the concert. She is one of those blessings that has happened since HeeJun's death. One of those "i'm glad it happened, but wish it wasn't under these circumstances" blessings. Her friendship is profound. While we were dancing to the Wii Just Dance and jumping up and down screaming for Third Day, I had a wonderful thought that HeeJun would be laughing his butt off watching us in amazement.

Hayden

Hayden bagged my groceries the other day.

Paper or plastic?

I wanted to say, "oh, my husband and i were going to name our son Hayden Jonas, but he died in a horrible motorcycle accident. I picked the initials HJK to honor HeeJun Kim. Hayden was our favorite motorcycle racer and Jonas Ridge was HeeJun's favorite place to ride. So, I love your name."

Instead I said "paper, please."

Work is a great distraction. Climbing the career ladder that I never wanted to climb.

Someone at work said "life is good" to me today. I laughed and said, "not there yet". He said "well, then you have to say it. put it out there." Boy, was he in for it. I gave him the whole "life sucks, but God is good" lecture. The life sucks part of the lecture was pretty forceful. He backed out of the room slowly in the safety stance we use at work when an angry child is coming at us with a chair to hurl at our heads.

It's funny how I can get so distracted at work and almost forget. I can drive home thinking and planning my work day. I can stress about supervising and worry that i am not doing my best. Then i remember...

work is a great distraction.

The obligatory New Years post

Why is it that 2009 feels like it flew by, but it feels like just yesterday HeeJun and I were going for a walk around the block?

I hope that all the rest of the years i have without HeeJun fly by too. It might be that i just don't remember this year because of that whole grief thing. To quote Tara quoting me, "if there's not a picture of it, i won't remember it."

It makes me sad that there are no new pictures to post of HeeJun. Last year at New Years I posted this picture. Now, that's the same one I would post for 2010. Does that make sense? A whole year went by without new pictures of HeeJun.

Oh, don't worry. I actually had a great New Years. I spent it with an amazing family of an incredible friend. This is a friend I met through being a widow. Her husband and I knew each other in college. He went to Heaven 5 days after HeeJ. I imagine HeeJ met him and gave him a tour straight to Jesus' feet. It was so comforting and fun to be with their loving, kind and FUN family for New Years! Thanks my friends! ( I know you are reading this!!!)