Tuesday, July 14, 2009


Reading a lot of the blogs I follow of widows, it seems God was up to something this time of year last year. A lot of us are going through "the year mark". Geez.

I am getting so much out of reading "Believe" by Jennifer Silvera. She understands the "moving", but being in a fog. She gets the contradiction between enjoying life, but missing your other half. She understands the desire to hold on to God but struggle with Faith at the same time. She understands my gratitude towards all the wonderful friends and family that help get us through the days. She gets the desire to just "do" something, so we don't wallow. Then the "doing" becomes therapeutic and healing. Yep, I'm liking the book. That is one thing that is slowly returning. I can sit and read a book now without having to read the same paragraph over and over.

As I was reading the book, I was amazed at how introspective the author is. I feel like sometimes things just happen to me and I don't even acknowledge what is going on, let alone really think about it. Really think about how I'm feeling or what I'm believing right now. Just trying to make it through the day. I made it a point to actually sit for a while and write down what is going on in my heart, what's going on in my Faith, what really going on. I have found that I am much more "in my head" than I was before HeeJun died. Yep, still have trouble writing that. We were so naive then. Sorry, two different topics swirling in my head right now; how naive we were, and how I didn't acknowledge life before. I guess they might be the same thing; I took life for granted. I didn't even realize how awesome life was. Didn't think about it enough.

So, today was a beautiful day. HeeJ would have loved it. He would have been itching to ride. I didn't even acknowledge the beauty of the day, didn't even realize it was pretty. Until today at work someone mentioned it. I looked up to the blue skies and breathed in the smell of summer, and almost choked on my sadness. It literally hurt my chest to acknowledge another beautiful day, but then I decided to embrace it. What does that mean, exactly, I don't know. But I made a decision to acknowledge the beauty of the day.

I was grocery shopping (for Frappachinos, of course) and saw an older gentleman on a motorcycle today. My mind shouted, "I bet he's been riding all his life. HeeJun wanted to be that guy. He wanted to get a Goldwing and ride around the country in it when he grew up. I bet that guy has no idea.Lucky bastard." I almost choked again on the tears and the screams. But again, I decided to acknowledge this sadness, instead of trying to push it aside and run away. I looked at the guy and almost wanted to tell him my story, but poor guy would have thought "uh...crazy lady...leave me alone." At least that is what HeeJun would have thought.

1 comment:

Brittany said...

I, too, was naive and took everything for granted.
But, with 3 anniversaries behind me, I can see God all over my life.
You are already moving towards that, and I am proud of you.

You WILL make it out of the fog.

You have my prayers, love, and overwhelming empathy.