Monday, July 20, 2009

ahh, the waves of grief


I made it through the weekend, stayed busy, kept moving, embraced the day, tried to be present in my emotions. I even thought maybe something was wrong with me since I wasn't shedding one tear.

Then Monday happened. whoa. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't be...I just needed HeeJun to be there. I wanted to talk to him. I needed to have him near. I wanted my old life back. Yep, I was not in a good place.


I had to leave work for a while and just go sit at a cemetary nearby to cry it out. Haven't cried like that during the day in a while.
I went to this place...
because I couldn't be at this place...

I went to a grief group today- a little different than the therapuetic grief group I've been attending. It was more about learning and finding new ways to think. Super deep! I haven't thought like that since...college, maybe. Discussions about object and subject permanence. Whoa!
We were asked to think of metaphors for our life; I picked a drowning victim, swimming in calm water than suddenly drowning, fighting for air, fighting for life, fearful, hopeful that someone will come...then I changed it to someone swimming with a life boat or life jacket and the jacket is taken away. Not so scary, since I'm a lifeguard, right? I can do this. I can fight. It's still scary to have what you thought was there, taken away. It's still sad, but I can swim. Then I thought, how could I fit God in there? Is He a larger life raft near by, or is He actually the ocean that I am swimming in, just throwing some waves at me once in a while? Maybe the ocean I am in is actually a kiddie pool? ahh, deep thoughts by erica...

5 comments:

Brittany said...

I think drowning is an excellent metaphor.

I'm still praying for you..

womanNshadows said...

i feel a deep connection to your metaphor. treading water, being lifted up with a wave and then dumped in it's trough, i feel like the cork in the water that is isn't really going anywhere very fast.

i'm glad you were able to get yourself out of the house, gone to another group to be with people and to discuss, learn to avenues to make it on this journey.

i keep asking myself about God. where is He? why? just why. you are far past me on this journey, on a more solid foundation. the only thing i can come up with is that maybe God is beside me treading water as well, crying sometimes with me because of the pain one of his children feels, but also helping me keep my head above the surface with small gifts like making my rent, being allowed the privilege of making the quilts, and finding one or two friends. no "this too shall pass." no words to lessen the blessed experience of loving someone so much that this pain is so harsh. the gift of love came from Him.

i don't know. sunday night will be mark 6 months for life without my husband. i'm feeling things very deeply. i hope my words haven't caused you any pain. i only wish you peace.

Anonymous said...

I think God is beneath you, holding you up. He's the one who is reminding you that you know how to swim without the life vest, He is your encourager. And on the days when you are just too tired to swim he is there to hold you up. He is overwhelmed by your grief and you may not see it because His tears are blending in with your ocean but in the midst of His own grief, He loves you enough to be submerged beneath you, holding you.

I am praying for you during this storm and my prayer is that one day you will find the peace to stop asking why, because you will not know why while here on this earth, and to praise Him wholeheartedly for holding you up in the midst of His own grief.

May peace and love engulf you. Always.

Amy E. said...

i have nothing at all inspirational today after reading this post. all i kept thinking after reading it was that no one so young and full of life should have a marker in a graveyard. you are always in my prayers friend. i am so, so sorry. i'm glad you made it through...

Mel said...

A group is one of the best things you can do.

For me, I didn't really enjoy it for a long time. But then all of a sudden I looked around and I loved everyone around me, and considered them some of my dearest friends.

Keep going...