Thursday, July 23, 2009


Holy Moly Macaroni!

I had to sit in a CPR training class today. If only the guy knew what was really going on in my head! I had some friends who noticed the tears and gave me encouraging nods. Mostly my brain just thought about that day. I am still haunted by that day. All the time. I wonder when that will stop. I wonder when the good memories of HeeJun and our life together will overpower the memories of that day. Counselors say the more you talk about it, the easier it becomes.


I remember going for a walk the night before and holding his hand. I commented on how soft his skin was and he said "i use soap."

I remember he was amazed at the Chinese drummers in the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics that night. I fell asleep while he watched it. I don't even remember going to bed.

I remember shopping at Target and Lowes that day. I asked the lady where to find the bread. I bought two flowers for my mother- in -love at Lowe's.

I remember the knock at the door and worrying that the shirt I was wearing was too tight. I will never wear that shirt again.

I don't remember their faces or their names. I remember they said "it's bad". I remember screaming that they were joking. I remember they put their Trooper hats on my coffee table.

I remember laying in the bathroom calling B. She didn't believe it was him. She thought they had the wrong person.

I remember my mom saying, "we're on our way". I remember Amory coming in while I was on the couch and saying "we're here". Did I call her? Did the troopers? How did they get that number? I remember Poppen coming over and the Olympics were on. When did the troopers leave? I remember Pastor Jimmy came by. My parents came. His parents came.

I remember shaking and not being able to stop.

I remember Doug came and I walked out to hear how it had happened. I remember my dad's hands holding me up. Brakes, trees, CPR, a lady named Beverly stopping to help, ambulance, a tear,...

Yep, that's what i was thinking while this guy is trying to teach me to do 30 compressions and two breaths.

I know it sounds like I'm in a bad place tonight. I'm really not. I can't wait to dance it out to So You Think You Can Dance! And I get to see my sweet ECU friends this weekend.and I get to hold adorable and miraculous babies! I have the new Black Eyed Peas song "I've got a feeling...that tonight's gonna be a good night" stuck in my head. So don't worry. I'm ok. I'm familiar with this and recognize how to acknowledge it and keep moving.

Just keep swimming- Dora from Nemo.


amy e. said...

that's my new favorite quote. i think that you're amazing. simply amazing. i don't think it's a coincidence that God gave you our super special show to look forward to tonight. i'm sorry that today brought back a flood of hard memories but i'm proud of you for feeling them. and walking through it all and being open and vulnerable and sharing so bravely. love you friend. enjoy tonight.

Jessie said...

That's my mantra... "Just keep swimming". Ellen always knows what to say. I thought about HeeJun tonight, especially when Houck was on. Hope you danced it out :)