Thursday, July 9, 2009

The dreaded countdown

July 9th. Month 11.
At this time last year we were planning our trip to Alaska. I was trying to organize a birthday party for HeeJun. We had no idea.

The countdown begins today. 11 months today. I have felt this cloud of dread for the past couple months, since the summer started, knowing that a few horrible things were quickly approaching...
HeeJun's 31st birthday would have been July 18th. 9 more days. tick tock.

The year anniversary is August 9th. tick tock.

My 30th will be October 1. I will soon be older than he ever was. It's not supposed to be like that.

Tick tock.

WomanNShadows finished my mother-in-love's quilt. Omani's birthday is the day before the accident. We were supposed to be driving down the next day to celebrate. I don't think she is going to celebrate this year, but I plan on giving her the quilt anyway.I hope it brings her comfort. WomanNShadows is also making one for me out of all his t-shirts and all those special shirts that I know. When I picked up the quilt today, I saw a pocket she had beautifully crafted into the quilt. I know that pocket.

I started reading Believe by Jennifer Silvera. oh my. I can only get through maybe one page a night. She writes the words I feel. I know that feeling of hearing the doorbell ring and thinking nothing of it. I remember being worried about the shirt I was wearing when I heard the doorbell ring. Now a doorbell rings and I don't worry about what I'm wearing. It's a whole other worry now. She writes of visiting her husband at the accident site. That thought never crossed my mind. To go there. Maybe because it was far away. Maybe because I did not know it was an option. I wonder why I never thought of it. I was too stunned to think that day. I didn't see HeeJun until 3 or 5 days later (was it 3? was it 4?) at the funeral home. Jennifer writes so beautifully. It's almost like that car wreck on the side of the road deal...I know I shouldn't read it before bed because I will cry to sleep, but it is so hard not to read it. I almost feel as though I will find the "answer" in how to Believe in her pages.


Brittany said...

Oh. Boy.

Anniversaries and birthdays are torturous.
Every. One.

I wish I had some great advice to give you.

I thought I might die on the first anniversary. I didn't, but it was almost as difficult as the day he passed.
So many memories...
There was an enormous sense of relief when it was over though.
And, things started to get easier... I pray that for you, too.

The age thing still freaks me out. I am now 2 years old than he was when he died. Weird.

I love the quilt!
It is too lovely to describe, and I got all teary when I saw the photo. MIL will love it!

Take care of YOU during these coming days. You are in my prayers, Friend.


Anonymous said...

Our one year mark for Jason is August great advise, but I can tell you what I have decided...that date is just a marker of time;I will not miss him more on that day than I did on day 10 or day 40 or day is just another day without him, so I am determined not to make that day more painful than the others....I rejoice that my son and your husband are in the presence of Jesus...we will be there one day, too. For now, we must keep running the race...because truly, it will be worth it all, when we see Jesus.
You are in my prayers every night when I lift Daniela and you and Tara and Brittany up in prayer...He is watching over all of you...always.
Jason's Mom

Jessie said...

That was a beautiful post. I'll be keeping you and HeeJun in my thoughts.

Emily said...

You are in my prayers always...but more so for the next few weeks.
Love you