Sunday, August 23, 2009


WomanNShadows made a pillow out of my favorite shirt of HeeJun's and a sock friend out of his socks. HeeJun and I had our biggest arguments over those stupid socks. I would always leave mine laying around the house and use his, and he would never have any for work.

Since I have adding these items to my OCD sleeping habits, I have been dreaming about HeeJun every night. As mentioned before, I am a crazy sleeper. I sleep walk, sleep talk, and sometimes have difficulty remembering what was a dream and what was real. I haven't had dreams with HeeJ in them for a while, but now since I have his shirt with his scent on it, we've been having dream dates. I have read from most other widows that they either have dreams where a. their spouse is back and it never happened, b. their spouse is back, they know it happened, but it doesn't matter or c. their spouse is back, they know it happened and they are really confused.

In these dreams, I know what happened, but it doesn't matter. Like, yep, of course, you're back. I missed you lots and lots. I woke up the first time pretty confused. Was that real? Oh, I hope it was. Nope. Ah, man, try to go back to sleep. I have heard this can become a problem; widows wanting to sleep instead of engaging in real life, so they can meet their husbands again. I can see why.

Even though, I have been having these dreams, I still wasn't crying. I was still pushing those tears and pain away. I have become a master at being numb. But I really want to cry. Today in church, I was thinking it would be so great to cry. I was remembering the time I went to church the first time after the funeral and I could barely stand up. I wished for that kind of "losing it" again. I remembered the times I would fall down on the stairs just sobbing. I wished for that pain again. But still feared it. So when I feel the little waves coming, it has become easy to push them down again...until...

The worship leader started singing It Is Well and the story was up in the screen. Arms crossed. No tears. I was actually thinking, "well, his wife lived. I wonder if he would have written the words if his wife had died, too." Ok, cynical, crazy lady. A sweet friend came up and hugged me. "oh hi!". I had no idea what was going to happen next...the waterworks were unlocked, the dam was open, the tears came. I think I might have soaked her shirt with the tears. I think I might have scared the poor kid next to me with the little wails and sobs that came out. This girl, this sweet, wonderful friend prayed for me while holding me and pretty much rocking me like a child. She was the first girl I met at Rocky River and has become yet another "life sustainer" in my book of friends.

Man, that feels better.

1 comment:

womanNshadows said...

i am so glad you got the tears out, and has a "life sustainer" with you. i hope the shirt pillow and your little gray friend are things of solace. it's all i ever wanted for you.