Monday, August 10, 2009

One year

Now what...?

this weekend I purposely planned to engage in life- the easy thing for me is to stay in bed. It's so easy to just close the blinds, turn off the phone and lay in bed all day wallowing. but i needed to get out and do things. Live. It's what HeeJ did. It took energy and alot of clenched teeth to hold back tears, but I went to the beach with my amazing sister and wonderful friends from my childhood. comfort and distractions.

God decided to distract me in many ways- I got my first speeding ticket. (yes, mom, I didn't tell you because you would worry). Speed trap! I started crying when I told the officer that of all days I would get a ticket on the anniversary of my husband's death. "sorry to hear that ma'am. Here's your ticket for $185."

I also was involved in a ocean rescue. Very Baywatch. If you don't know how to swim, don't plan your family reunion at the beach where no one in your family can save the drowning teenager! My lifeguard training came in handy only in that I yelled at the girl to put her feet down ("you can stand up!") and cried afterwards.

Those were the only tears I would shed that weekend. I don't know if it's because I am used to pushing the tears away, or fear of letting one slip leading to a river of tears. A friend said it might be because this is my "everyday", a year doesn't make it any harder or easier. Not crying kind of made me nervous. "what is wrong with me?!"this song has been stuck in my head...
i Know You Have A Little Life In You Yet
i Know You Have A Lot Of Strength Left
i Should Be Crying But I Just Can't Let It Show
i Should Be Hoping But I Can't Stop Thinking
all The Things I Should've Said That I Never Said
all The Things We Should Of Done That We Never Did
all The Things I Should've Given But I Didn't
oh Darling Make It Go
make It Go Away
give Me Them Back To Me
give That Little Kiss
give Me Your Hand

I watched old videos, worked on the scrapbook, journaled, wrote him a letter-barely any tears. Not the kind I was hoping for, the kind I have been missing. is it weird to want to lose it?

it almost feels like "ok it's been a year, now what?" In the back of my head maybe I thought he would come back or I would wake up now. i remember thinking that in the beginning; that i would wake up soon. i remember thinking there was no way I could make it another hour, another day, another week without HeeJun. Now i'm thinking, "crap, I have to go another year like this. crap. crap." I think i was starting to define myself and my life by the firsts this year. Just trying to make it to and through the next first. Now what? He's still gone. I still miss him. Still ache for him and my life back and our future. now what?

HeeJun told me now what last night. I was listening to the DVD that his biker buddy made for me with all his riding videos and pictures. HeeJ's favorite song "Move Along" came on. HeeJ used to blare this song all the time. I remember hearing him pull into the garage often with the music shaking the walls to the house.

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along Move along
When everything is wrong we move along
When everything is wrong, we move along

I never really listened to the words and I remember actually cringing from the thought of moving along in the beginning. It's like he was saying, "It's not move ON, it's keep moving. Keep living."


Anonymous said...

I know it is hard...the situation, the one year mark, the remembering, the missing...all of that. I don't want to diminish that or slight what is happening in your heart, but I did want to let you know that post is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart and things you are learning or being shown. Many hugs to you.

womanNshadows said...

no insights to give, just a heartfelt prayer for you to find a balance to the pain and peace. i'm caught between my husband's birthday last week and our wedding anniversary today. (it's 2:30 AM now). i hope to see you Thursday night. i'll give you a hug for that, and compassion, are all i have to give.

The Widower Dad said...

I find myself wanting for more tears at times too. I feel guilty at times that no matter how hard I cry it's not enough. One tear, a stream of tears...even one the one occassion where I cried myself to never felt like it was enough.

I don't want to live my life in the past but at the same time I feel like I could do more to memorialize my's a no win feeling!

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

I hated that feeling of wanting to cry and not being able to. I thought, come on, crying would be a whole lot easier.

The one good thing about the first anniversary? Remembering that next year this day will be the second anniversary, and you'll have been okay for one MORE year.

Thinking of you!



Anonymous said...

Erica, I'm the fellow blogger that documented the first memorial ride. We just had the second memorial ride yesterday and I wanted to share the photos again. We think of you and HeeJun all of the time. Caroleen

Star said...

I wish the year mark meant it was a little easier. I wish it did make it all just go away. I feel like my life is marked with "firsts" as well. I'm wondering what happens when I run out of "firsts".