Just breathe

I usually love this weather. Fall is my favorite time of year. My birthday is October 1st and HeeJun proposed on Halloween. October was our month. This weather ust reminds me of all that and makes my heart ache. Will everything always hurt?

This weekend was our 10 year high school reunion. I got to see some wonderful and beautiful friends. I was not strong enough to go to the shin-digs but I had lunch with the Fab Four and watched as the girls got ready. A most incredible and fun thing, but will it always hurt?

I went to church on Sunday. I tried to pick a church that I had no memories of HeeJun attached and also has almost ALL of my Crusade friends attending. (Raleigh is the new Greenville). As I watched the praise band singing with such Joy, with huge smiles on their faces, praising God, I wondered if I would ever be able to feel such Joy again. I have experienced that before. I wondered if those people whose facing were so bright, had ever experienced something like this, and if they had, would they be that joyful? Will it always hurt?

I started leading groups today at work. I led one gardening group with 8 second graders. Should have been fun and relaxing. One punk kid decided to throw the peppers and tomatoes at another. He decided it would be a great idea to hit this kid over the head with the weeds. Nothing special. This is a common occurrence at work, but I could feel the tears start to well up, and I bolted. Any emotion it seems, will make my feeling radar go berserk. I sobbed for about an hour in my office. The hysterical kind of sobbing. Over nothing. Apparently, I am not ready to lead groups. I called a co-worker/ friend in finally to help me glue myself back together.

I have had to deal with a lot of money and insurance issues. No will and no life insurance means having to split, and having to decide who gets what. Big scary situation.

I am alone for the first time today and tomorrow. Just breathe.

Missing my other half. Missing my person.

Lots of new things this week to tell HeeJun. I started leading groups at work. One of my little 7 year old girls told me "it is o.k to be sad, Miss Erica. It will probably take a year to stop being sad". I started going to a therapist. He said I was doing o.k. Baloney. I emailed a pastor in Raleigh that I really admire, and he asked if he could share my story in one of his sermons. I found a cemetary in Charlotte that I go to when I need to cry. I watched my friends get ready for our 10 year high school reunion. I had to change my status at work to widow. I had to change my emergency contact person. I realized I don't have a person. HeeJun was my person.

I miss him at 4:30, when I would usually call him to tell him I'm on my way home. I miss him while watching the Office. I miss him while holding my friends new ADORABLE babies. I miss him at church. I miss him under the lamp post between my house and Sarah's.

Music has helped me reach and sort through my emotions. These lyrics have been playing in my head lately.

"There's a light at the end of this tunnel. Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel For you, for you So keep holdin' on" Third Day- Tunnel

"I'm falling apart. I'm barely breathing With a broken heart That's still beating In the pain There is healing In your name I find meaning So I'm holding on " Lifehouse- Broken

Healing Nightlights

This week I felt so exhausted. Physically, I am drained. My body feels like it is made of jello and is trying to push through cement blocks. Emotionally, I am drained. No tears today at church, which is where I usually sob. I drag myself home from work and plop on the couch. However, the dog needs to be walked, bills need to be paid and figured out, insurance companies need to be yelled at (what a pain in my toocus), estate papers need to be filled out, the fence needs to be built, and the motorcycle needs to be claimed. But amidst all this yuckiness has been little bits of light.

Nightlight #1: My dog is the most well behaved and coolest dog ever. He is a little afraid of kids, but easily trained. He drags me out of bed and is a wonderful loving presence in the house. The way Gabby bullied him and protected me, brought laughter into the house.

Nightlight #2: My mom and dad were with me all weekend. My mom has been staying with me for two weeks. She has one more week until she has to leave me. Ugh! My dad is so worried and stressed out about me. Just breathe. Pray for my parents. They have been amazing.

Nightlight #3: My friend, Amory, who was the first to arrive to kick the troopers out, who has surrounded me with love, who has cared for me even though she has a lot on her own plated, invited me to a community block party that her church was throwing for a needy church. Although, I only have a little bit to give right now, it was therapeutic to be part of that. I only had the strength to to stand back and hold her adorable son, while watching her church family share the Love of Christ to others. But through that, my strength is growing.

Nightlight #4: A college friend/ pastor sent me encouraging words that although Jeremiah 29 is often taken out of context, it still shows God's character. Deep theological stuff...

Nightlight #5: I went to Rocky River today and ran into loving and caring people there, who have been a great comfort. While preaching, the pastor quoted HeeJun's favorite quote "Expect great things from God, Attempt great things for God". It was a gentle reminder.

Nightlight #6: The man who is going to build the fence in our backyard has sister-in-law, whose fiance was killed in a motorcycle wreck two years ago. All she had to say was "been there, done that", and I knew she understood.



I do not want to say that I am healing, because I still feel like crumbling inside. And healing makes me think that "I am all better now", and I don't think that will ever happen. I still ache at 4:30 when I am driving home from work and would usually call HeeJun. I still hear motorcycles and think he is pulling in the driveway. I still hurt. But all these things, these nightlights, are tiny pieces of glue, that are putting me together after I crumble.

Juneau The Dog

This week my mom and I went to the Humane Society of Charlotte and adopted a dog. I have a contact who provides Pet Therapy to my kids at work and also works for the Humane Society. She was able to pick out two for me to check out. It was a very overwhelming experience. For obvious reasons, it was hard to not adopt ever single one of those dogs. It was also heartbreaking and scary for me to take this dog home. HeeJun loved loved loved dogs. Dogs loved him right back. They had an understanding. My parents' dog, Gabby, loved him more than anything when he was around. He let her have freedom and would pet her all day. Once, just once, Gabby snapped at HeeJun when he was trying to save a bone from her- Her mouth was getting all blooody and messed up from how hard she was chewing on it. HeeJun was appalled that she would do such a thing, and Gabby seemed to feel ashamed. Cute. It would have been so wonderful to see him as a Dad. Incredible.

I digress. It was so emotional for me to make a decision of which dog was going to come home with me, I finally turned to my mom and asked her. She cried. We picked an Australian Shepherd Mix. He is 6 years old and amazingly calm and loving. On the way home, I sobbed the whole way. I was so sad that HeeJun was missing this and it was also a huge reminder of all the changes taking place. This is the first big change since...and it was hard. It was also scary. I don't have HeeJun now to help me with this dog. I felt bad and guilty because adopting a dog should be a joyful and fun experience, but I could not give the dog that kind of welcome. He has been so great, though. I worried all night about him pooping in the house and he just went to sleep like "woman, I got this. I know what I'm doing." He is playful for about 10 minutes and then just wants to sleep next to me or sit right in my lap. I named him Juneau, after the city in Alaska that we recently visited. When I told my doctor a while ago that I was going to Alaska and that there was a hope that I might get pregnant there, I joked that we could name the baby Juneau. I know HeeJun would love this dog. I can imagine him running around our house having Juneau chase him, laughing.

Another Blog

Oh my! I just went to look at the blog the riders made with pictures of the memorial ride. Pretty incredible.


http://navycoat.wordpress.com/2008/09/15/for-erica/#comment-12

Searching for the Truth

This weekend was really tough and draining for me. After work, I collapsed on the couch. My whole body ached from missing HeeJun. It is amazing how worn out I felt. The wonderful guys HeeJun rode with planned a memorial ride for HeeJun on Saturday. I planned to meet and greet them, but my body just would not let me. One of the courageous riders who gave HeeJun CPR that day, made a cross in his honor. They placed it at the crash site.

I also went on Saturday to my sweet God-daughter's birthday. Adorable and fun. But so hard. I held it together until the very end. There is so much joy and hope in little kids. I think everything fun from now on is going to be hard. It will be difficult to find the fun and happiness amidst all this sadness, knowing that HeeJun won't be there to share it with me. Seeing Matt and Amanda and their beautiful children made me ache for what I once thought was my future. HeeJun will never know or have that. Then I have to think, he has so much more now, right? He would have been going crazy too at her party. So many fun kids! It might have scared him off!

I also had to deal with some ridiculous estate and insurance stuff this weekend. MAKE A WILL!

So, with all this stuff going on around me, all I can think about it the Truth. I have been so confused by Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28 lately. " For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I vaguely remember a sermon in college in which the pastor spoke that this verse in widely taken out of context in our culture and used incorrectly. After some studying, I learned that in this verse, the Lord is speaking directly to the exiles of that time. Although, it does speak of God's character, if you go down a couple more verses, we would have a much different view of our God if that verse was taken out of context. Imagine if "Behold, I am sending on them sword, famine, and pestilence, and I will make them like vile figs which are so bad they cannot be eaten. I will pursue them with sword, famine, and pestilence, and will make them a horror to all the kingdoms of the earth, to be a curse, a terror, a hissing, and a reproach among all the nations where I have driven them," was quoted as much as Jeremiah 29:11!

I am not questioning God's sovereignty. I simply am searching for the theology in these verses. Did God plan this or was it free will? Did he "work this together for the good of me"? I think, and this is only after a week of researching, that God is sovereign and did know this would happen. But He is not a cruel God. He did not plan this event specifically for "my good". I believe he will use it for "my good" and for the good of others HeeJun's life touched. I might not even see that good until I am with HeeJun and my Savior one day. Is that correct theology? Help me out here smart people.

This whole weekend I felt like I was speaking to HeeJun and God with a big cloud between us. I felt so far from both of them. I ran as quickly as I could to "his spot" when I got a chance and just let loose. My own little Scarlett O'Hara moments, wailing and sobbing, come often. After that, it was like everything was clearer and I felt at peace. HeeJun often joked about dying. He often said that people shouldn't be sad that he is gone, because he is in a way better place. "Better in one day in Your courts, than a thousand elsewhere". However, I wonder if he would make light of his death, if he knew how much it hurts the ones left behind. He did not fear death and I am glad of that. But I don't think anyone can know the depths of despair and sorrow for those left behind. He probably would not have made light of death, if he had known. I am glad he never knew this feeling of grief.

HeeJun's Desk

HeeJun's wonderful and caring co-workers cleaned out his desk at Bank of America for me.
Here is what was in it;
Two Coffee Cups- One was a Mickey Mouse one- what a weirdo.
A cup from summer project that said " Psalm 81: 11 and Acts 4:31, "Lord, Fill my family with Your Spirit."

Books

Wild at Heart by John Elderidge

When I Don't Desire God- How to Fight For Joy- John Piper

The Pleasures of God- John Piper

Grace for the Moment- Max Lucado

Our wedding photo
A photo of us on our honeymoon in Bora Bora
A photo of us at an ECU game in a frame I made for him at the YMCA
A model Yamaha- Valentino Rossi motorcycle
Oracle Achievement Certificates
A 1 year and 5 year bank award

Wall postings:

Let me say it again. Our people need a God-besotted man. Even if they criticize the fact that you are not available at the dinner on Saturday night because you must be with God, they need at least one man in their life who is radically and totally focused on God and the pursuit of the knowledge of God, and the ministry of the Word of God- John Piper

" Beware that in your plenty you do not forget the Lord your God and disobey his commands, regulations and laws. For when you have become full and prosperous and have built fine homes to live in...that is the time to be careful. Do not become proud at that time and forget the Lord your God, who rescued you...Do not forget that he led you...He did it so you would never think that it was your own strength and energy that made you wealthy. Always remember that it is the Lord your God...Deut. 8:11-18

January 2003

It's not hard to have faith when all of our bills are being paid and our kids are healthy and our marriage is intact. It's not hard to have faith when God gives us everything we want. The true test of faith comes when circumstances are difficult, when our train of hope gets derailed. "If we are not faithful, he will still be faithful, because he cannot be false to himself."-2 Tim.2:13

August 2003

Here's a checklist of criteria for handling problems: a clear head, a clean heart, a calm soul, and a confident hope. "Patience produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out his love to fill our hearts" Romans 5:4-5

August 2003

Remember the Lord. Remember who is in control. Rememeber His goodness in the past. Remember His closeness in the present. Remember His power in the future.-"I will always be with you, even until the end of this age"- Matthew 28:20

Several other verses from 1 Peter 3:18, 1:13, and Matthew 16:26

A comic from Dilbert about databases.

A comic that said there is a special place in hell for slow drivers.

Pretty much sums up my HeeJun.

Quotes that Comfort

I really missed HeeJun today. It was like a painful and crumbling feeling. Everything reminded me of him or made me want to call him. From seeing a road sign that was finally fixed, to visiting the DMV and hearing a funny joke.

When I lose it, the sobs are loud and like grunting. I kinda sound like a squeeling pig. I did not know this about myself. I have never cried like this before.

Some wonderful friends have sent me quotes and verses that have encouraged and comforted me;

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk though the fire, you will not be burned... For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." ~Isaiah 43:2-3

"I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt. Again you will take your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful." ~Jeremiah 31:3-4

"For I am the LORD, Your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isa. 41:13

"Your hands made me and formed me; give me understanding to learn your commands. May those who fear you rejoice when they see me, for I have put my hope in Your word. I know, O Lord, that your laws are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me. May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant." Psa. 119:73-76

What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us."Helen Keller"

Lord, I've been pierced to my very soul, and I really didn't know I could hurt this deeply. And so at this point, if I have to go through this, please don't let this pain be wasted in my life. Use it. Use me."

“As I contemplate the deaths of my loved ones . . .As I contemplate our loss and the empty void in our hearts left by their absence . . .I am more grateful than ever that this life is not all there is!Praise God! You and I can look forward WITH HOPE because we have the blessed assurance of Heaven, My Father’s House!”Anne Graham Lotz

"Grieving like a Christian does not mean we do not grieve. It means we grieve without despair. We crawl into our Father's lap and lay our tear-stained cheeks on His shoulder, and trust that what He ordains is always right, will always work out well in the end, and that all our losses will one day be restored to us. It is running to Him and asking, "Tell me again the story of what You have done and what You will do to destroy this enemy." It is going to Him and asking for the strength and comfort we need to face the new reality of our temporary, mortal lives--a reality without someone we have grown to love, without someone we are used to having as a part of our lives and perhaps mistakenly assumed would always be there. It is knowing that although there is loss, all is not lost.

God does not tell us we will not have sorrows. He tells us that He will be our comfort in sorrow. He does not tell us we will not have tears. He tells us He will be there with us to wipe our tears away. He does not tell us there will not be times to mourn. He tells us that on the other side of that mourning is the promise of joy indescribable." From the Wittenberg Gate Website

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”Revelation 21:4

"God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4 NLT

"I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul."Psalm 31:7

I have had this prayer on my refrigerator since college;

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. i do not see the road ahead of me. i cannot know for certain where it will end. nor do i really know myself, and the fact that i think that i am following your will does not mean that i am actually doing so, but i believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. and i hope i have that desire in all that i am doing. i hope that i will never do anything apart from that desire. and i know that if i do this you will lead me by the right road though i may know nothing about it. therefore WILL I TRUST YOU ALWAYS THOUGH I MAY SEEM TO BE LOST AND IN THE SHADOW OF DEATH. I WILL NOT FEAR, FOR YOU ARE EVER WITH ME, AND YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE ME TO FACE MY PERILS ALONE"- Thomas Merton

Back to Work, Everybody Work, Work, Work Work

I have marvelous and wonderful co-workers. I went back to work this week. I have only been able to make it through half of the days, but I am slowly easing back in. I had to call my friend from the parking lot to have him walk in with me. Being at work is a weird feeling. It is the most normal thing I did before; I'm sitting at the same computer, writing the same assessments and discharges, looking at the same email, doing the same laundry, hearing the same shrieks and yells from the gym...but my whole life is different now. Sometimes it catches me and I gasp when I remember what is really going on in my life. Really, is this my life? Am I really "that girl"? I feel like I haven't been able to breathe in 33 days.

My co-workers have been amazingly kind and understanding. They have filled me with comfort and showered me with kindness. The kids have made me laugh (being called a BITCH on my first day back always makes me laugh), and have broken my heart at the same time. I tried to be brave and make it to the cafeteria yesterday. However, most of the kids know what happened and these poor guys don't quite know how to process that. I heard one even thought maybe she had caused it. Well, they must have had a group on how to show empathy, because half of them came up to me and in a well rehearsed manner said, "Miss Erica, I am so sorry for your loss." However, in the same breath they ask "when are you gonna take us swimming" and with big, weird smiles, "your husband is dead?" One little guy asked me today when he saw me leaving early, " Are you going to go look for your husband?" Sweetie, I already know where he is (and he is probably laughing hysterically right now).

"God hates me" and other LIES swirling in my head

A couple of days ago I guessed that my best friend is pregnant. The conversation went a bit like this;

BF-"I get to leave early tomorrow because I have to go to the doctor then pick up groceries, then do this and that...."

Me- "You're going to the doctor? You're pregnant. I know it."

I actually made a bet with my parents that night that she was, because she just laughed after I said it, then changed the subject. The next day she called and I said, "You're pregnant. I know the truth. You don't have to tell me 'til you're ready, but I know it's true". She tried to laugh and change the subject. I know it must have been hard for her to tell me. We had this idea that we would be pregnant together, have our showers together, raise our kids to be best friends. I know she must have thought it would make me sad. Honestly, I was sad, but I am much more excited and joyous for her. Of course, my mind goes to what it would have been like and what it should have been. I cried tears of joy and longing hearing her wonderful news. I can not wait to meet this little one and to see my friend grow in her pregnancy. I am determined to be her "Monica" when Rachel had Emma. It's just kinda amazing how God works out this life and death thing.

So, with this news, I started to ask God, "why couldn't You do that for me, huh? Why did you take my HeeJun away from me?" All the years, all the months, it would have been really easy. Did God really take HeeJun, or is there something else to this whole 'God has a plan thing'? Little lies started creeping into my head-God hates you. He doesn't like you one bit or the way you have been living. God is punishing you for all the lies you told. HeeJun will know who you really are now, and he will regret even knowing you. He would have never married you. I was pretty sure God and HeeJun were hating me together and I deserved every bit of what I was getting. I started thinking everyone always says "God loves you", but does it really say that in the Bible. I began thinking that it never says that, He only tells us to love God. God is a selfish God. Oh dear. LIES LIES LIES.

I literally ran to the Bible, the Truth. I grabbed HeeJun's Bible and poured over every verse on Love, Forgiveness and Punishment. There are a gazillion verses on LOVE- God's Love for me. The wonderful thing was every verse that I looked up, HeeJun had underlined at one time in his amazing life. It was like he was reminding me to believe.

Who is a God like you,who pardons sin and forgives sin?
You do not stay angry forever, but delight to show mercy.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us-Romans 5:8

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ. Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

Love is patient, love is kind- I Corinthians-
God is love. So, if God is Love, God is kind, right?

...Because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son. Hebrews 12- This verse threw me for a loop and still does. However, I have realized with lots of studying and tears, that it was very easy for me to say "I put my Faith in Christ and I will trust God" when things were going great for me. But it's times like these, when it seems everything is pointing to "God is not good and not in control", when the world I knew is turned upside down and nothing make sense, it is during those times when I have nothing left but to trust God and to have Faith. These are the hardest times to do that. How do you trust Someone that did this, right? But for me, there is no other choice. And that is like no Faith I ever knew before.

I have a favor to ask you. Continue what HeeJun started. He reminded me of God's Love by underlining verses years ago. Verses on God's Love, send them my way. Theology on God's will and God's plan, send them my way. Speak the Truth to me.

7% of HeeJun

The other day, a wonderful and lovely friend commented to me that by reading this blog, she realized she just knew about 7% of HeeJun. This reminded me of HeeJun's ringtone- Remember the Name, by Fort Minor.

"This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill. Fifteen percent concentrated power of will. Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain. And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!"

HeeJun is 75% silliness and 25% seriousness. He loved to be goofy and silly. He would run and tackle me when I was grumpy and just make me laugh. I would try so hard to not laugh or smile, but I always failed. I remember the day in my sophomore year in high school that I thought to myself "this guy is someone I would like to get to know better". I had just dropped him off at his house after I long and grueling study session. I was all stressed about the stupid test the next day and he walked off down his driveway sa-shaying and skipping like a goof. He loved watching dancing shows, especially 'So You Think You Can Dance'. He loved putting the dances in slow motion and cracking up as I tried desperately to learn the moves! I loved to make him laugh and sometimes was surprised at the things that would make him burst out into hysteria!

He was also very serious and introspective. He was always trying to learn and better himself. He took so much pride in his career and doing a job well done.

HeeJun was...is 100% individual. He prided himself on being an individual. The biggest reason I fell for him in high school was because he never cared what people thought about him and just did his own thing. At parties, he just wanted to play cards with his buddies, rather than participate in the awkward peer pressure and cliquey-ness. He did not drink until he was 21 and even then decided it was not worth it. He didn't care if he was different and sought to be an individual in all aspects of his life, from the kinds of roses he brought me (always weird colors) to painting out kitchen FLAMING yellow to seeking Jesus daily.

HeeJun was...is 100% a man who enjoyed life to the fullest. He do whatever it took to have fun. He followed the "Wedding Crashers" Rule # 76 No Excuses, Play Like A Champion. He loved going to movies, going out to eat, and just having fun. He loved playing computer games. I still hear the pows and bangs of Wolfenstein in my head daily! If it meant having fun, he had no limits; which is one of the reasons he shelled out mucho dinero to go to Alaska in July. He loved going on vacations: San Fransisco, Charleston, Bora Bora, Nova Scotia, New Orleans...

HeeJun was 110% a Motorcycle Maniac! I knew he loved it, almost to an obsession. I am only just learning now how much other riders admired and loved him. He strived to learn all he could about riding and become the best rider he could be. His riding buddies have shared with me how much fun he was on rides and how much he taught them. Here are some posts he shared:

red_6 said: my 2 Cents
The way I see it crashing is part of the game. Crashing b/c you were playing keep up or ridng over your head or doing something stupid is one thing but even if you arent doing that, crap happends. wear the gear. just because you are riding slow doesnt mean someone cant crash into you or there isnt oil on the ground for whatever reason and the list goes on and on. if you cant take on crashing as part of riding you should find something else to do b/c the odds are against you. Even the very experience riders have gone down. wear gear and keep a level head

That post shook me up a bit. HeeJun was a very safe rider. Even the trooper stated that he had never seen such a tragic crash from some one who was wearing head to toe safety gear. He also wrote a long post on how much he had learned and how excited he was to learn more.

"can't wait to 2009! Head need to come down a bit more and I would like to be leaning off a bit more. The important thing is to continue to work on your skills. Having pictures def help when looking back through the years. I like comparing my first picture to the latest._________________~ HeeJun

He loved riding, didn't matter if it was on a track or on a mountain ride.

The Estate lawyer told me today he has had 6 bikes! We once had a cruiser, 2 sports bikes and a corvette in our garage!

He was 100% a man who loved his family with an uncommon Joy. He admired his parents and wanted to be strong and loving like his father. He was proud that he could support them and thank them for all they had sacrified for him. He loved loved loved his sister. They had a relationship and bond that was unlike any other I have seen. I prayed that my own children would be as close as they are.

He was 110% a lover, follower and believer in Jesus Christ. He accepted Christ in college and pursued a closer and deeper relationship with him daily. He did not want to be a hypocrite and did not take his Faith in Jesus lightly. I adored this about him. I admired his faith and his yearning to know Christ more. He enjoyed the teachings and reading of John Piper and believed "God is most glorified when we are most satisified in Him". HeeJun was SATISFIED in Christ.

I miss him. My heart aches for him.