Sunday, September 21, 2008

Healing Nightlights

This week I felt so exhausted. Physically, I am drained. My body feels like it is made of jello and is trying to push through cement blocks. Emotionally, I am drained. No tears today at church, which is where I usually sob. I drag myself home from work and plop on the couch. However, the dog needs to be walked, bills need to be paid and figured out, insurance companies need to be yelled at (what a pain in my toocus), estate papers need to be filled out, the fence needs to be built, and the motorcycle needs to be claimed. But amidst all this yuckiness has been little bits of light.

Nightlight #1: My dog is the most well behaved and coolest dog ever. He is a little afraid of kids, but easily trained. He drags me out of bed and is a wonderful loving presence in the house. The way Gabby bullied him and protected me, brought laughter into the house.

Nightlight #2: My mom and dad were with me all weekend. My mom has been staying with me for two weeks. She has one more week until she has to leave me. Ugh! My dad is so worried and stressed out about me. Just breathe. Pray for my parents. They have been amazing.

Nightlight #3: My friend, Amory, who was the first to arrive to kick the troopers out, who has surrounded me with love, who has cared for me even though she has a lot on her own plated, invited me to a community block party that her church was throwing for a needy church. Although, I only have a little bit to give right now, it was therapeutic to be part of that. I only had the strength to to stand back and hold her adorable son, while watching her church family share the Love of Christ to others. But through that, my strength is growing.

Nightlight #4: A college friend/ pastor sent me encouraging words that although Jeremiah 29 is often taken out of context, it still shows God's character. Deep theological stuff...

Nightlight #5: I went to Rocky River today and ran into loving and caring people there, who have been a great comfort. While preaching, the pastor quoted HeeJun's favorite quote "Expect great things from God, Attempt great things for God". It was a gentle reminder.

Nightlight #6: The man who is going to build the fence in our backyard has sister-in-law, whose fiance was killed in a motorcycle wreck two years ago. All she had to say was "been there, done that", and I knew she understood.

I do not want to say that I am healing, because I still feel like crumbling inside. And healing makes me think that "I am all better now", and I don't think that will ever happen. I still ache at 4:30 when I am driving home from work and would usually call HeeJun. I still hear motorcycles and think he is pulling in the driveway. I still hurt. But all these things, these nightlights, are tiny pieces of glue, that are putting me together after I crumble.


streetmomof4 said...


Even when physical wounds heal, they still leave scars. Emotional wounds are the same way - you will heal, but you will have permanent scars... It's so hard and I am still so sorry for you.

Steph from giggles

RH Photography said...

If only I lived closer I would pile everyone in the car and we would come see you!!! Our dog, Joey, would love to meet your new doggie. We could have doggie play dates!! :) Thinking of you.

Lot's of LOVE, HUGS and KISSES!!!