Saturday, September 6, 2008

"God hates me" and other LIES swirling in my head

A couple of days ago I guessed that my best friend is pregnant. The conversation went a bit like this;

BF-"I get to leave early tomorrow because I have to go to the doctor then pick up groceries, then do this and that...."

Me- "You're going to the doctor? You're pregnant. I know it."

I actually made a bet with my parents that night that she was, because she just laughed after I said it, then changed the subject. The next day she called and I said, "You're pregnant. I know the truth. You don't have to tell me 'til you're ready, but I know it's true". She tried to laugh and change the subject. I know it must have been hard for her to tell me. We had this idea that we would be pregnant together, have our showers together, raise our kids to be best friends. I know she must have thought it would make me sad. Honestly, I was sad, but I am much more excited and joyous for her. Of course, my mind goes to what it would have been like and what it should have been. I cried tears of joy and longing hearing her wonderful news. I can not wait to meet this little one and to see my friend grow in her pregnancy. I am determined to be her "Monica" when Rachel had Emma. It's just kinda amazing how God works out this life and death thing.

So, with this news, I started to ask God, "why couldn't You do that for me, huh? Why did you take my HeeJun away from me?" All the years, all the months, it would have been really easy. Did God really take HeeJun, or is there something else to this whole 'God has a plan thing'? Little lies started creeping into my head-God hates you. He doesn't like you one bit or the way you have been living. God is punishing you for all the lies you told. HeeJun will know who you really are now, and he will regret even knowing you. He would have never married you. I was pretty sure God and HeeJun were hating me together and I deserved every bit of what I was getting. I started thinking everyone always says "God loves you", but does it really say that in the Bible. I began thinking that it never says that, He only tells us to love God. God is a selfish God. Oh dear. LIES LIES LIES.

I literally ran to the Bible, the Truth. I grabbed HeeJun's Bible and poured over every verse on Love, Forgiveness and Punishment. There are a gazillion verses on LOVE- God's Love for me. The wonderful thing was every verse that I looked up, HeeJun had underlined at one time in his amazing life. It was like he was reminding me to believe.

Who is a God like you,who pardons sin and forgives sin?
You do not stay angry forever, but delight to show mercy.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us-Romans 5:8

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ. Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

Love is patient, love is kind- I Corinthians-
God is love.
So, if God is Love, God is kind, right?

...Because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son. Hebrews 12- This verse threw me for a loop and still does. However, I have realized with lots of studying and tears, that it was very easy for me to say "I put my Faith in Christ and I will trust God" when things were going great for me. But it's times like these, when it seems everything is pointing to "God is not good and not in control", when the world I knew is turned upside down and nothing make sense, it is during those times when I have nothing left but to trust God and to have Faith. These are the hardest times to do that. How do you trust Someone that did this, right? But for me, there is no other choice. And that is like no Faith I ever knew before.

I have a favor to ask you. Continue what HeeJun started. He reminded me of God's Love by underlining verses years ago. Verses on God's Love, send them my way. Theology on God's will and God's plan, send them my way. Speak the Truth to me.

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