Monday, September 15, 2008

Searching for the Truth

This weekend was really tough and draining for me. After work, I collapsed on the couch. My whole body ached from missing HeeJun. It is amazing how worn out I felt. The wonderful guys HeeJun rode with planned a memorial ride for HeeJun on Saturday. I planned to meet and greet them, but my body just would not let me. One of the courageous riders who gave HeeJun CPR that day, made a cross in his honor. They placed it at the crash site.

I also went on Saturday to my sweet God-daughter's birthday. Adorable and fun. But so hard. I held it together until the very end. There is so much joy and hope in little kids. I think everything fun from now on is going to be hard. It will be difficult to find the fun and happiness amidst all this sadness, knowing that HeeJun won't be there to share it with me. Seeing Matt and Amanda and their beautiful children made me ache for what I once thought was my future. HeeJun will never know or have that. Then I have to think, he has so much more now, right? He would have been going crazy too at her party. So many fun kids! It might have scared him off!

I also had to deal with some ridiculous estate and insurance stuff this weekend. MAKE A WILL!

So, with all this stuff going on around me, all I can think about it the Truth. I have been so confused by Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28 lately. " For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I vaguely remember a sermon in college in which the pastor spoke that this verse in widely taken out of context in our culture and used incorrectly. After some studying, I learned that in this verse, the Lord is speaking directly to the exiles of that time. Although, it does speak of God's character, if you go down a couple more verses, we would have a much different view of our God if that verse was taken out of context. Imagine if "Behold, I am sending on them sword, famine, and pestilence, and I will make them like vile figs which are so bad they cannot be eaten. I will pursue them with sword, famine, and pestilence, and will make them a horror to all the kingdoms of the earth, to be a curse, a terror, a hissing, and a reproach among all the nations where I have driven them," was quoted as much as Jeremiah 29:11!

I am not questioning God's sovereignty. I simply am searching for the theology in these verses. Did God plan this or was it free will? Did he "work this together for the good of me"? I think, and this is only after a week of researching, that God is sovereign and did know this would happen. But He is not a cruel God. He did not plan this event specifically for "my good". I believe he will use it for "my good" and for the good of others HeeJun's life touched. I might not even see that good until I am with HeeJun and my Savior one day. Is that correct theology? Help me out here smart people.

This whole weekend I felt like I was speaking to HeeJun and God with a big cloud between us. I felt so far from both of them. I ran as quickly as I could to "his spot" when I got a chance and just let loose. My own little Scarlett O'Hara moments, wailing and sobbing, come often. After that, it was like everything was clearer and I felt at peace. HeeJun often joked about dying. He often said that people shouldn't be sad that he is gone, because he is in a way better place. "Better in one day in Your courts, than a thousand elsewhere". However, I wonder if he would make light of his death, if he knew how much it hurts the ones left behind. He did not fear death and I am glad of that. But I don't think anyone can know the depths of despair and sorrow for those left behind. He probably would not have made light of death, if he had known. I am glad he never knew this feeling of grief.

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