Thursday, December 10, 2009

avoiding sleep again

I have been going to my widows grief group for a year now. It's been 16 months yesterday. I realized that tonight at the group. I thought it was only 15. Only. Will the 9th ever pass one day without me counting the month? I forgot month 16. What does that mean?

I had a very hard time in the group today bringing myself into the grief world. Letting myself "go there". I came in laughing with a friend and it was like a shock to my system when everyone was meditating and deep breathing. "Wait, go back to laughing! Don't think about that sadness! Don't let the tears come", said my body. I was the first to talk and share my story. A shock to get my brain in grief gear. Wait, I haven't told this story in a month. Can't we talk about work or my dogs or tacky Christmas sweaters?

What does that mean? I think I need to share the story more and remember more.

I see the new widows and widowers come in and I am reminded of the shock, the uncontrollable shaking, the gasping for breath, the racing thoughts, the falling down sobbing. It hurts to be reminded of that, but maybe it is a good thing to have that reminder. And maybe it's a good thing for them to see that one day you might walk into the group laughing.


Brittany said...

You are in that weird place where your healing has begun, but your heart still aches.

It is okay to forget to count the months.
It is okay to laugh.
It is okay to not want to rehash the bitter details over, and over again.

You won't forget HeeJ.
You won't forget his life and love.

I'm proud of you, Erica.
God is doing a mighty work in you... Even if you don't see it yet.

Sleepless Hugs,

womanNshadows said...

beautiful. i am going to hold onto your phrase, "walking in laughing."

Anonymous said...

I'm just nodding my head in agreement with Brittany and thinking about you.