Wednesday, December 30, 2009

You're going down

I have been wrangling and wrestling with this issue for a while now.

The issue of cynicism and bitterness.

Oh, I used to hear good news and I would be happy for the new mother, or new couple, new employee,....

Then, I learned that bad things happen.

Now I hear good news, and I think "well, that's nice that you're pregnant, but don't you know sweet little baby girls can die at 40 weeks the day before their due date. Don't you know, mamas can go in to hear the heartbeat and it's gone...
That's nice that your husband is so great, but don't you know that husbands can walk outside and have a heartattack.? Don't you know that a brave soldier can turn his head to help someone and get shot? Don't you know that car wrecks happen? Don't you know that beautiful mothers can go in for a routine exam and stop breathing?"

What can I do with these thoughts? They have almost become a saracstic "you'll be lucky if this doesn't happen to you" thought when i hear about good news. It's horrible and I don't like it.

What if I embraced these thoughts and let them take hold? Can you imagine what I would become? "Erica, I'm 32 weeks pregnant!" "Well, you better watch out, because your baby might die." "Erica, I just got engaged!" "Well, let's hope he doesn't die." Horrible thoughts, right? No one would want to hang out with crazy Erica.

So, I decided to beat those thoughts into submission.
What I mean is, I can't run or hide from the fact that I now know horrible, terrible things happen. Knowing this could make me fearful to live life, or mad and bitter when others are living it. Instead, I will allow these thoughts to teach me to hold onto and enjoy every moment of life.

No, that's a lie. Right now, I'm not quite at the place where I can "enjoy every moment", but maybe I can help others not take life for granted. Maybe, because I know bad things happen, I can help others when it does happen. Cause, baby, I've been there. Maybe I can remind people and myself that even though horrible, unthinkable tradegy happens, God is still going to be here to comfort us. He's never going to leave. He hates that we're hurting and he weeps with us.

So, when I have these fleshy thoughts, I choose to tell the happy person to enjoy every moment and remind myself that God is with them, and me always.


womanNshadows said...

honest, beautiful, introspective, and normal. i am coming to realize that being hard on ourselves is also part of all this.

peace always.

Brittany said...

I love how transparent you are being.

I have struggled with the exact same things. And, often still do.

I have also adopted the "don't take life for granted" mantra. I believe that if/when I remarry and have a child, I will be a better wife and mother than I would have been without all of the painful experiences that I have had.
I believe the same for you, too.


amy e. said...

you're about the most authentic person i know. thanks for that.

The Redmond Family said...

Thanks for your honesty Erica, and thanks so much for the reminder to hold onto everything in the moment, rather than live in fear of losing it. You are an amazing woman, and i'm crying just hearing the hope in your words. God is using you and shining in between the lines of your posts. I'll hug the next person i see a little tighter now. :-)

Tara said...

I totally agree with you!!! thanks for being so honest

Jaelynn said...

I've just been browsing through blogs and yours really caught my eye. I don't know you at all, but I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine going through something like you did. But I want you to know that I truly believe and have a testimony that families can be together forever. I will be praying for you!