Just breathe

I usually love this weather. Fall is my favorite time of year. My birthday is October 1st and HeeJun proposed on Halloween. October was our month. This weather ust reminds me of all that and makes my heart ache. Will everything always hurt?

This weekend was our 10 year high school reunion. I got to see some wonderful and beautiful friends. I was not strong enough to go to the shin-digs but I had lunch with the Fab Four and watched as the girls got ready. A most incredible and fun thing, but will it always hurt?

I went to church on Sunday. I tried to pick a church that I had no memories of HeeJun attached and also has almost ALL of my Crusade friends attending. (Raleigh is the new Greenville). As I watched the praise band singing with such Joy, with huge smiles on their faces, praising God, I wondered if I would ever be able to feel such Joy again. I have experienced that before. I wondered if those people whose facing were so bright, had ever experienced something like this, and if they had, would they be that joyful? Will it always hurt?

I started leading groups today at work. I led one gardening group with 8 second graders. Should have been fun and relaxing. One punk kid decided to throw the peppers and tomatoes at another. He decided it would be a great idea to hit this kid over the head with the weeds. Nothing special. This is a common occurrence at work, but I could feel the tears start to well up, and I bolted. Any emotion it seems, will make my feeling radar go berserk. I sobbed for about an hour in my office. The hysterical kind of sobbing. Over nothing. Apparently, I am not ready to lead groups. I called a co-worker/ friend in finally to help me glue myself back together.

I have had to deal with a lot of money and insurance issues. No will and no life insurance means having to split, and having to decide who gets what. Big scary situation.

I am alone for the first time today and tomorrow. Just breathe.