Wordless Wednesday (shout out to Amanda B)

Rings

I had no idea what to do with my rings, but I know I needed to change something. One of my sweetest but "baddest" little girls at work is kinda obsessed with my rings. Everytime she saw that I was still wearing my wedding ring, she would say, "it's still hard, isn't it, Mrs Erica?".

I had HeeJ's wedding band engraved with HJK and sized to fit my ring finger. I had my wedding rings sized to fit the right hand and engraved with HJK. I also sized the ring Mama Kim gave me when we told her I was pregnant.

It's not supposed to be like this. I remember when he gave me those rings. The engagement ring was placed so carefuly on display in a vase when he proposed. We pick out the wedding bands together. He wanted some unique. I'm not supposed to be wearing his band.

Heaven and Heartbreak

I am so grateful and amazed that HeeJun knew Jesus and experienced a deep relationship with Him before...this. thank God for A.C and Corey, for sharing the Gospel with him in college. it brings me such comfort and hope. it also makes me so sad for my friends and family that don't know Him. i fear deeply for them. i have no idea how i would feel if this had happened and i did not know where HeeJun was and Who he was rejoicing with. my grief would be unimaginable. i fear for my friends and family. if we have learned anything through this, it is that we can not waste another minute, we are not promised tomorrow. we can't wait until we are older, or wiser. we can not make excuses. the isses like abortion, homosexuality, alcohol, those are just excuses, small roadblocks that are keeping us from the real issue. the other stuff will work itself out. it's not about the "rules" or right and wrong. HeeJun knew it was about a relationship with Christ, a deep Faith. I know I constantly question why He did this, was it His plan, what was the point? Even though I question and hurt and at times I don't believe He loves me, I know, I KNOW that Jesus is Lord. I know that He is Truth. I know He will not leave me. i trust that He is Good. my heart breaks for those who don't know.

i am reading "90 minutes in Heaven". I could only get through the 2nd chapter. it is supposedly a true story of a man who is dead for 90 minutes. he states, "When I died, I didn't flow through a tunnel...Joy pulsated through me as I looked around, and at that moment I became aware of a large crown of people. They stood in front of a brilliant, ornate gate. Distance did not matter. Time did not matter. The crowds presence seemed absolutely natural. They rushed towards me..smiling, shouting and praising God. It was as though they stood outside Heaven's gate, waiting for me, welcoming me...ecstatic bliss overwhlemed me...the crown surrounded me...never had i felt so loved...pain and grief vanished...the joyousness of the place wiped away any questions...everything was blissful and perfect....more and more people came to welcome me...their faces radiated a serenity i had never seen on earth...Heaven was many things, but without a doubt, it was the greatest family reunion of all."
" I had never felt such powerful embraces or feasted my eyes on such beauty. Warm, radiant light engulfed me. Dazzling, vivid colors."
"I wasn't consious of anything I had left behind. Time had no meaning...Felt no regrets of leaving earth..I could only rejoice...I felt more loved than I had ever in my life."
"The sound of Heaven...holy swoosh of wings...brilliant and pleasant sound ever...i was part of the music...melodies of praise...joyful worship...

I shed lots of tears reading this book adn imaginging what it must have been like for HeeJun and what it will be like for me when we do meet again.

Circuit City

Circuit City is closing in Concord Mills. HeeJun would have loved that. I saw the sign and immediately wanted to call him to tell him.

I hate roller coasters

HeeJun took me to Kings Dominion the summer before we left for college. I freaked out the second I saw the sign on the highway that said "Welcome to Kings Dominion". I panicked in the parking lot. I rememeber HeeJun walking ahead of me, willing me to follow him and I was crying. I hate roller coasters. I hate the feeling you get in your stomach while riding. But I followed HeeJun and I rode every ride. I still hate roller coasters.

I write this because I feel like I am on a roller coaster. I know it's such a cliche, but it such a perfect representation of my emotions. One minute I am o.k, the next; a mess. After writing the last post, I went downstairs to watch Desperate Housewives. Completely lost it. Over Desperate Housewives. Seriously?! I guess I was holding a lot in after talking with friends and getting free therapy. Just one little poke from Bree opened the flood gates.

It snowed today. Last time it snowed in Charlotte, I made HeeJun go out and get the newspaper after church. 5 miles from home and we slid into another car. We waited for hours on the side of the rode just a couple miles from home for a police car. I realized while driving to work today, that it was the first time I have driven in the snow alone. I have always had him to rely on. Note to self; It's not very safe to lose it while driving through snow.

Don't fuss, just cuss!

Somebody call the wam-bulance! I was so blue in my last post and this past weekend. Praise God (yep, I can praise Him) for my friends. J, L and Am to the rescue! I was so lonely this weekend and they brought food, came over to chat and invited me for dinner tonight. I even got to have a free counseling session with a lovely mama. All these things were greatly needed. They continually remind me of His truth and that even though I feel hurt by Christ, His Hope and Joy can endure any circumstance. And it is always good to just be around friends.

One horrible habit that I have picked up during this time is CUSSING! HeeJun would be appalled. I wake up saying the D word, and yesterday I said the F word several times! Who am I and what have I done with innocent Erica?!

Fill 'er up

What a mess I am this weekend. So blue and grumpy. I think it is really starting to hit me, the sadness. I feel like I can't breathe and I just want to lay down and do nothing. Thank goodness for Juneau having to pee or I probably would have slept all day. I had no energy and just got overwhelmed at all the things I should be doing; like cleaning my house, vacuuming, doing dishes and then I thought what is the point, and then I got all worried that I was depressed enough to need medication, then I just said "woman, it's ok to be sad, " and I laid down. It's a vicious cycle.

I tried to fill the emptiness with the things that used to work. The things that I used to loved and would make me so happy. Before all this, I would go days just planning on what I was going to buy or thinking about when I could get a Mocha. Starbucks, Ice Cream, shopping, talking with friends, nothing worked. I know, I know. Only Christ can fill the emptiness. But I have issues with that One. How do I fill the ache with the One who planned the ache? I know, I know. My Hope should "endure the worst of conditions". And it does in my head. But my heart simply hurts. I want Him to make it all better, to make the hurt go away. I just miss my HeeJuna.

Overwhelmed

I got so overwhelmed today at work over stupid simple things. Everyone said it would happen. I just lost it over little things. I keep forgetting things and double booking programs. I almost got locked in the bike shed today by a little rascal kid! Thank goodness for Mr. Travis! I am not a very good person to be role modeling a therapuetic approach right now! I feel so inadequate at work and am still surprised no one has said anything. Ugh.

I wonder...

I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't get in the car and immediately think to call HeeJun. Or a day when I don't pull into the driveway and think HeeJun isn't home yet, because his car isn't in the driveway? Or leave a place, a friend, a meeting without thinking I can't wait to tell HeeJun that? Or a day when I don't walk into the bedroom and think HeeJun is in the bed since all the covers are bunched up? Or a day when I don't miss his touch and his kisses?

A few of my co-workers and I went out to Whoolie's last night. First time in years that I have been to a sports bar. Ah, the sweet smell of beer and cigarrettes. I might have actually really laughed a couple times. Put a few beers in my supervisors you can't help but laugh. And M brought hisadorable sweet baby (Insert Sweet Home Alabama quote here). Seriously, I could have fun anywhere if there is a cute baby present! The 10 bazillion Dr. Peppers I drank did not help sleepless me, that's for sure. HeeJun would have hated it. He hated cigarette smoke. He would get up and move at restaurants if we sat too close to the smoking section. Neither of us really drank. Except dacquiris and special drinks in pineapples on cruises. But he would have laughed. The minute I got in my car after saying goodbye, my mind thought to call him and tell him how much fun I had. Habits, huh?

Not there yet...

You know you're getting better when....
Your memories make you smile instead of break into tears.
When someone else's pain hurts you more than your own.
When you can tell someone else life really DOES go on.
one day you wake up and you don't have to remind yourself to breathe.
you want to find a way to leave your grief in the past.
you find you are actually enjoying living.
you can come home and be content in an empty house.

Not here yet, but I will hold onto this.I found this at www.widownet.org. I got a kick out of top 10 stupid things people say. I would like to add to that list, the lady at the bank telling me "that'll do it" when i was explaining how HeeJun died. First of all, nunya business, 2nd- REALLY? I would also like to add the weirdo guy who told me and my sister in law that "there are only children and single women who are happy". Seriously?! And how 'bout the people who ask me when I will start dating? It all makes me laugh. I don't take it personally.

Dancing It Out

I have been avoiding blogging, journaling, or reading this past week. It was a tough one. I have found that after the holidays, everyone moved on to 2009, but I feel like I am walking in jello. I'm moving, but it's very slowly. I find I am lonelier now. I still can't clean. My house is a disaster. I haven't cooked a meal in months. I keep saying I will get to the gym soon, but I keep putting that off. I know it sounds like I have depression. I'm a therapist, I know what depression sounds like. It sounds like I am a classic case. But I think I am just deeply sad. And that's ok. I don't want to numb these feelings or try to hide them. Being at work seems to be the easiest for me, something about the routine, I guess. I rolled into work today and was so glum. I finally put on some Beyonce and Britney and just danced it out with the kids. Very therapuetic!

Some shining moments of this past week:

I went to my group counseling last week. I had it together for a while there. I had work on my mind and was even able to meet with another young widow before the group for coffee (Praise God for coffee!) I used to be pretty good at keeping conversations and being friendly, but now I find it very difficult. Still avoiding the new neighbors. But during the group, the Sister asks everyone to share their story every time. She says it helps to"hash" it out and the more we say it, the more real it becomes. In the middle of me telling my story, my brain just stops and screams NO! I gasp and it's like right at that moment, right in the middle of saying that HeeJun must have seen something to make him brake, it became real again. I just start sobbing. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I kept saying it seemed like I was just telling a story or a fairy tale. Again, very therapuetic. It's a strange kind of comfort to be around women who share the same kind of experience.

I also visited my sweet Amy this weekend. My "person". I literally pulled into her driveway and I don't think I stopped crying pretty much the whole time I was there. Even when the tears stopped I still felt a strange sadness mixed with happiness for her and joy being around her. She is super pregnant and so adorable. My tears were a mixture of "why can't I have this,too" and just of plain missing HeeJun. It was so wonderful to just be around her, though. Just to lay my head on her tummy and be able to be me. We went to see Bride Wars. Very funny movie, but there I am in the car afterwards, boo hooing. It's just where I am right now, and I embrace that.

I have been listening non-stop to Tenth Avenue North. I meditate on these words;

One light, that's all I am. Right now I can barely stand. If You're everything You say You are, Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Can't believe I am not fired yet...

One day my bosses are going to realize that I am running on lower than 50% . If they really knew what was going on in my head and my heart, they would never trust me with some of my responsibilities. Seriously, I forget meetings, tell kids they are ugly, and it takes hours for me to finish a simple assessment.

While driving into work today, after a very loud and courageous battle with the alarm clock, (beep, beep for an hour yet again), I turned a corner and this memory of the troopers coming to my door, and me sitting on the recliner screaming at them that it was a joke flashed through my mind. I had to catch my breath and pull into Starbucks to get yet another Mocha. How am I supposed to help heal kids with that memory stuck in my head? But I do, and honestly, I enjoy what I do. As long as I don't have to lead groups. Because then I just might tell a kid that he is a moron...and that would be wrong...right?

Broken Hearts

I read today a blog of a girl who I might have known, who might be me, who is also a ...widow. Her words were so familiar. her feelings wer like mine. She said "I am a 26 year old with 80 year experiences." I'm a 29 year old widow. Geez. Her latest blog scared me, but was also encouraging. She wrote that she was started to heal, starting to be happy again. I can not imagine that day.

I admit, I am a wreck. I am getting by, getting up to go to work, smiling and actually moving at work (although, one day they will realize that I am rolling in pretty late every morning), but it is all so surreal. Sometimes I feel so strong. I know that strength is not from me. Sometimes I know my Joy is not in these circumstances, but in the Hope of My Saviour. Other times, not so much.

She also said something, like she felt like God had been preparing her for this all her life. She said she had overwhelming desires to do big and crazy things. She found herself dancing a lot. I wanted to scream "ME, too!".

HeeJun was in my dream the other night, for the first time since...Omani dreamed about him the day after he..died (will that word ever be easy to write?). She dreamed he came and said he was sorry. He was crying. Travis had a dream that he came and thanked him for taking care of me, and asked him to keep looking out for me. In my dream, he was laughing. I could see his face, his little mustache hairs, his wrinkly forehead, his big brown eyes, so clearly. He was laughing and so joyful. I knew I was dreaming, but he said, "Enjoy it, even if it is just for a little while". I did. We just laid on the bed and laughed and giggled and danced together. It was only for a moment. I miss him.

Gonna change my blog name

I'm going to change my blog address to chillinwithlemonade.blogspot.com. That's what HeeJun always said about Heaven.

Ok?

Ps. Lots of people have asked me how I prettied up my blog. Amanda did it. Check out her stuff at http://designsavy.blogspot.com/ . She can rock yours out!

2008 sucked

I realized last night that I have spent every New Years with HeeJun since freshman year in high school. Matt B has a video of his New Year's party freshman year that always cracked HeeJun up. Everyone is wishing each other happy new year, and there I am right in the middle of everyone kissing my boyfriend. (Shout out to Chris N).

The greatest New Years EVER was in 2000 when I went to Atlanta Christmas Conference with HeeJun. He had accepted Christ that year, and I just wanted to go be with him for New Years. I didn't really care about that other stuff that came with the conference. Until I got there,, and realized, "whoa, something was missing big time from my life". I remember standing on top of the hotel in the middle of downtown ATL and everyone around us was screaming Happy New Year and blowing horns and ringing bells. HeeJ looked at me and said something profound. I wish I could recall the exact words, but it was pretty much, "don't you get it now?" That was the night I realized what I was missing was this relationship with Jesus.

I remember HeeJun coming to visit my Christmas Conference in 2003 on New Years. We rang in the New Year praying. I remember being so nervous praying with him, and also so in awe that my fiance loved Jesus so much.

Pretty much every year we have been married, we would go out wth friends that night and then ring in the New Year at home, watching the ball drop.

Look at how blonde my hair was! Geez!

Now that everything has changed, I kinda have this weird urge to do something dramatically different with my life. Like before,my life was meaningful as HeeJun's wife. I found my purpose in loving HeeJun. Now, what do I do? I feel like I should give back. i get why people move to Africa or join the Peae Corps after something big happens in their life. I feel like I should do something to make the world better...to make my world meaningful. Maybe move to Africa, or write a book, or adopt a little baby for Korea, hike more, garden, camp out, visit Colorado & Florida & New York, work on a cruise ship... But for now, I will go read a good gossip magazine and take Juneau for a long walk.