Monday, January 5, 2009

Broken Hearts

I read today a blog of a girl who I might have known, who might be me, who is also a ...widow. Her words were so familiar. her feelings wer like mine. She said "I am a 26 year old with 80 year experiences." I'm a 29 year old widow. Geez. Her latest blog scared me, but was also encouraging. She wrote that she was started to heal, starting to be happy again. I can not imagine that day.

I admit, I am a wreck. I am getting by, getting up to go to work, smiling and actually moving at work (although, one day they will realize that I am rolling in pretty late every morning), but it is all so surreal. Sometimes I feel so strong. I know that strength is not from me. Sometimes I know my Joy is not in these circumstances, but in the Hope of My Saviour. Other times, not so much.

She also said something, like she felt like God had been preparing her for this all her life. She said she had overwhelming desires to do big and crazy things. She found herself dancing a lot. I wanted to scream "ME, too!".

HeeJun was in my dream the other night, for the first time since...Omani dreamed about him the day after he..died (will that word ever be easy to write?). She dreamed he came and said he was sorry. He was crying. Travis had a dream that he came and thanked him for taking care of me, and asked him to keep looking out for me. In my dream, he was laughing. I could see his face, his little mustache hairs, his wrinkly forehead, his big brown eyes, so clearly. He was laughing and so joyful. I knew I was dreaming, but he said, "Enjoy it, even if it is just for a little while". I did. We just laid on the bed and laughed and giggled and danced together. It was only for a moment. I miss him.


Candi said...

sOh how I love dreams of my mom, brother and I share them like they were true visits with her. I'm glad you had a visit with HeeJun, and what a wonderful one! I love you so much!

Emily said...

I pray you can dream like that every night...