I have been avoiding blogging, journaling, or reading this past week. It was a tough one. I have found that after the holidays, everyone moved on to 2009, but I feel like I am walking in jello. I'm moving, but it's very slowly. I find I am lonelier now. I still can't clean. My house is a disaster. I haven't cooked a meal in months. I keep saying I will get to the gym soon, but I keep putting that off. I know it sounds like I have depression. I'm a therapist, I know what depression sounds like. It sounds like I am a classic case. But I think I am just deeply sad. And that's ok. I don't want to numb these feelings or try to hide them. Being at work seems to be the easiest for me, something about the routine, I guess. I rolled into work today and was so glum. I finally put on some Beyonce and Britney and just danced it out with the kids. Very therapuetic!
Some shining moments of this past week:
I went to my group counseling last week. I had it together for a while there. I had work on my mind and was even able to meet with another young widow before the group for coffee (Praise God for coffee!) I used to be pretty good at keeping conversations and being friendly, but now I find it very difficult. Still avoiding the new neighbors. But during the group, the Sister asks everyone to share their story every time. She says it helps to"hash" it out and the more we say it, the more real it becomes. In the middle of me telling my story, my brain just stops and screams NO! I gasp and it's like right at that moment, right in the middle of saying that HeeJun must have seen something to make him brake, it became real again. I just start sobbing. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I kept saying it seemed like I was just telling a story or a fairy tale. Again, very therapuetic. It's a strange kind of comfort to be around women who share the same kind of experience.
I also visited my sweet Amy this weekend. My "person". I literally pulled into her driveway and I don't think I stopped crying pretty much the whole time I was there. Even when the tears stopped I still felt a strange sadness mixed with happiness for her and joy being around her. She is super pregnant and so adorable. My tears were a mixture of "why can't I have this,too" and just of plain missing HeeJun. It was so wonderful to just be around her, though. Just to lay my head on her tummy and be able to be me. We went to see Bride Wars. Very funny movie, but there I am in the car afterwards, boo hooing. It's just where I am right now, and I embrace that.
I have been listening non-stop to Tenth Avenue North. I meditate on these words;
One light, that's all I am. Right now I can barely stand. If You're everything You say You are, Won't You come close and hold my heart.
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