Tuesday, March 10, 2009

There's no Spring in My Forward...

Some thoughts I have had lately;

  • Maybe I have been in the avoidance phase of grief. I have been avoiding actually sitting and being still with God. I haven't been able to have a real conversation with God in a while. But when I am still, that "still, silent voice" starts to creep in. Maybe that is why I am trying to stay busy. I even went into work on Saturday to avoid being still and "knowing that He is God". Uh..what is wrong with me? I have also been avoiding writing a goodbye letter to HeeJun. Matt and Bomi were able to do it at the Memorial service, but I just couldn't. And I still can't. I wrote so many notes and cards and letters to HeeJun. I still write to him often in my journal, but I just can't write that final one. Maybe it is because I believe it is not the final letter. I have also been avoiding the closet. Packing up his clothes to send to Sarah so she can make something beautiful out of it. Thank God for Sarah.

  • the worst part about saying goodbye is having to say it over and over again- I think that is a quote from JD on Scrubs. True dat! I wonder if the day will come when my mind doesn't think to call him or think to tell him something. I thought I saw him the other day in his black mustang. the brain is a weird thing.

  • I used to love grocery shopping. I mean love it! But now, for several reasons it is just another reminder of goodbye. No one to cook for, so what do I cook? I have been living off veggie trays and tostitos. (Thank God for Yoga and Zumba.) It also doesn't help that I was off enjoying a grocery shopping trip when the troopers and HeeJ's friends were trying to find my house to tell me " it's bad".

  • PS. How does one still spend the same amount of money on groceries, even though I'm not cooking and only shopping for one. Darn Frappachinos!


Amanda said...

Erica...I don't know if it will help you, but Matt hasn't let himself "sit still" either. But he still avoids the "sitting still" of Nicole's death before he can move forward to deal with HeeJun's and it's been over a year since Nicole passed away.

Honestly, I'm not sure if he knows how to "sit still" (aka grieve). I can tell you the entire month of January (the month leading up to the anniversary of Nicole's death) he was one of the hardest people to get along with. It was as if a subconscious anger took over.

...with rainy days comes rainy nights...

zachary said...

Erica, I've been thinking of you a lot lately...praying that your spring will come again! Can't wait to see your sweet face!


The Barbee Family said...

I'm kinda speechless. I can't believe he's not there and i still have him on my g-mail. He sent me the invite 3.5 yrs ago to join. I meant every word of regretting not hangin' w/ him more... i spoke to you about it @ the memorial service. He invited me on a couple of outings and i didn't go. I think of him as my special guardian angel along with my son Remington. Heej was very special. I pray for you often!! Your friend Jason