Sunday, March 15, 2009

My week and weakness

In a previous post I wrote that I was having trouble writing a goodbye letter to HeeJun. I was amazed at how God used my friends to help me with that. So many people told me that God placed in their heart the thought that it was not goodbye for me and HeeJun, but see you soon. I had one friend even dream that HeeJun and her were riding together (they never rode together or really hung out in real life) and he told her to tell me that we would see each other soon. Cool, huh?

Through this blog and through friends I have met some pretty amazing people. Many of whom are going through some of the same things I am, loss, grief, heartache. Our blogs have some of the same messages, same songs, same ache and same search for Hope. I had two wonderful friends that I met through loss and blogging spend the night. It was such a comforting time to sit and grieve together. It helped that there was wine involved. I also have met some pretty incredible ladies through my Widow's Group. It's just a strange kind of comfort to have these people in my life now.

One mother that when she heard her bad news she still knew God was the same God as He was before she heard the bad news. I guess in my case, I never thought that. In my case, I suddenly had no idea who the God I was praising and worshipping really was. All these months, I have been searching and re-learning who My God, my Savior, my Jesus really is.

On to my weakness...I have always had an uncontrollable scoff. I scoff at hypocritical things, and silly things, and ignorant things. Some people have called it smugness. It used to drive HeeJ nuts. I would scoff at completely inappropriate times, restaurants, conferences, baptisms, weddings,... Well, I have been scoffing at God. I mean, what is wrong with me? Whenever I hear someone say "God is good" or "God has a plan" or "God loves you", I scoff uncontrollably. I know. I have said before I know these things are true in my head, but my heart says otherwise. I even catch myself preaching to others that God is good, but inside I'm saying "oh, shut up, Erica". I was telling a lady in my Widow's group that I wanted people to look at me and see that God is good. What a bunch of bologna spilling out of my mouth. I also know that the only thing my in-laws need to help them is Jesus. But who am I to tell them that? I would scoff at myself if I could.

Happier thoughts: I co-hosted Amy's shower this weekend. She is such a precious friend. I mean, here she is about to pop and she is still trying to take care of me. She is so beautiful and kind and humble, and will be an awesome mom. I am kinda living vicariously through her. However, if I hear one more "awww, that's cute" I might punch someone in the face.

I also threw a chair on Friday at work. Travis was a witness. It did not hurt anyone, but man, did it feel gooood!


Emily said...

Throw more chairs, my friend...if it makes you feel good :) I thought about you all night tonight in my Bible study...I may shoot you an e-mail about it.

Candi said...

I so appreciate your honesty with what's going on in your heart.