You're going down

I have been wrangling and wrestling with this issue for a while now.

The issue of cynicism and bitterness.

Oh, I used to hear good news and I would be happy for the new mother, or new couple, new employee,....

Then, I learned that bad things happen.

Now I hear good news, and I think "well, that's nice that you're pregnant, but don't you know sweet little baby girls can die at 40 weeks the day before their due date. Don't you know, mamas can go in to hear the heartbeat and it's gone...

That's nice that your husband is so great, but don't you know that husbands can walk outside and have a heartattack.? Don't you know that a brave soldier can turn his head to help someone and get shot? Don't you know that car wrecks happen? Don't you know that beautiful mothers can go in for a routine exam and stop breathing?"

What can I do with these thoughts? They have almost become a saracstic "you'll be lucky if this doesn't happen to you" thought when i hear about good news. It's horrible and I don't like it.

What if I embraced these thoughts and let them take hold? Can you imagine what I would become? "Erica, I'm 32 weeks pregnant!" "Well, you better watch out, because your baby might die." "Erica, I just got engaged!" "Well, let's hope he doesn't die." Horrible thoughts, right? No one would want to hang out with crazy Erica.

So, I decided to beat those thoughts into submission.

What I mean is, I can't run or hide from the fact that I now know horrible, terrible things happen. Knowing this could make me fearful to live life, or mad and bitter when others are living it. Instead, I will allow these thoughts to teach me to hold onto and enjoy every moment of life.

No, that's a lie. Right now, I'm not quite at the place where I can "enjoy every moment", but maybe I can help others not take life for granted. Maybe, because I know bad things happen, I can help others when it does happen. Cause, baby, I've been there. Maybe I can remind people and myself that even though horrible, unthinkable tradegy happens, God is still going to be here to comfort us. He's never going to leave. He hates that we're hurting and he weeps with us.

So, when I have these fleshy thoughts, I choose to tell the happy person to enjoy every moment and remind myself that God is with them, and me always.

Curtains and Wii

I woke up the day after Christmas with the desire to put up curtains. My protective dog barks at every passing neighbor or dog, so I thought curtains would help decrease his barking. My incredible dad worked hard to put curtains up in the dining room and kitchen. What a great change, right? Wrong.

Then, my parents left. The house was empty. The curtains were closed. The world couldn't see me. I couldn't see the world outside. People won't know I'm still here. I'm alone. I lost my mind. I cried like i haven't cried in a while. Perhaps, they were tears that i had been holding in for a while/ I felt trapped and panicky. Then, suddenly I realized (Holy Spirit style) that it was the curtains. The curtains. Open the curtains, Erica. You are not alone.

Isn't it amazing how one little thing can set you in a tailspin?

it would be very easy to keep those curtains closed and to let myself drown in the panic and darkness. But I choose to open the curtains and let The Light in.

Oh, I also got a wii. Dude, HeeJun would have loved it. I chose to play Wii, instead of being sad that he isn't there to play it with me.

Christmas is for the dogs...

Silent Night

Sunday's message started out, "Christmas by society's standards is supposed to be full of cheer and merriment. However, for most people it is the greatest time of loneliness and heartache."

Society Answers to Grief:
1. Bury your feelings
2. Replace your losses
3. Grieve Alone
4. Let Time Heal
5.Live with Regret
6. Never Trust Again.

Society has it all wrong.

Isaiah 41:10: Do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

2 Sam 12:22...read the whole story. It's powerful.

1 Thes 4:13-18 Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words.

Nothing Compares

There is so much hurt and heartbreak around me now. I never got it, but it really is everywhere.

I had coffee today with an amazingly strong "2 week old" widow. She probably won't even remember our conversation. I know I don't remember much of what happened for those first months. Our stories are completely different. Yet, I know that blank stare. I know those tears.

One topic of conversation was the comparison game widows and, well, mostly everyone around us plays. "At least, you don't have kids" or "Thank goodness you have kids". "At least you are so young" vs. "Aren't you glad you had so many years together". "At least he died suddenly and quickly" vs. "Aren't you glad you knew and had time to talk about death."

I've learned that there is no way to compare grief. Kids, no kids, old, young...grief is hard no matter what. Losing your love, losing the life you dreamed of hurts, aches, takes your breath away.

Christmas Past

Last Christmas I was here and here. I don't even remember writing those words. That's the first time I have gone back and read some of my older posts. Perhaps, I will do that more...

This was Christmas past..

This is Christmas now...

An Amy Sandwich...

shut up and hug someone

This week I have felt so frustrated at people. Have we not learned anything from this? Have you already forgotten how fleeting life is? Have you already forgotten the pain and hurt? I want to scream at people complaining about their babies or their husbands! Complaining about having to shop for gifts. Complaining about kids being home for the holidays!!! I would give anything. Anything to be able to complain that my husband was hard to shop for, or that I had to clean the house for company, or that my kids were home for the holidays. Anything.

Sigh. I miss him.

On the other hand, I will most likely slap the next person who comes to me with a super happy smile saying how much they love Christmas. oh, the stupid malls and their stupid Christmas songs. Yes, I am in a better place than I was last year. Better, might be the wrong word. Last year I was barely floating along. This year I've got a little fight in me and everything tastes bitter and cynical.

So, no more complaining about trivial things and no more happiness. Here are things I will accept;

humor

friendship

hope

memories

a little dancing. Did you know they have a Just Dance Wii game?!!!

Intense

Check out this beautiful song. "Oh, darling, I wish you were here."

I had an intense day.

i addressed my (untrue) beliefs that my sin did this. That my disobedience to Christ's pressing that I should stop being so deceitful did this. That God is a punisher and a disciplinarian. Shame, Shame, Shame.

I read a lot about forgiveness, and repentance, and allowing Christ to fill me with his grace, and integrity.

I have a lot of intense homework to do this week.

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again, from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. you will increase my honor and comfort me once again"- Psalm 71:10

Apparently I like to party

HeeJun didn't like parties. It was one of the things that first attracted me to him. He didn't need to fit in or to be social to feel good about himself. He was confident in himself. He would have much rather sat at home watching a good movie, than go out and be social.

Well, apparently, I like to party. I enjoy having friends over and planning fun times.

Our agency Holiday party was canceled this year, so I decided to host an Tacky Un-Holiday Party for my team. Ugly Christmas sweaters, Spiked Egg Nog, Ginger Bread House making, Elf on DVD, A Dirty Santa Gift Exchange, and Wii. The night before I thought to myself, "what was I thinking?" A grieving widow should not put herself through something like that. But once every one showed up, and thanks to my troops last week for helping me clean, I actually had fun! Wii might be the best invention ever.

HeeJun would have hated it. Maybe, not hated. But he would have laughed at the drinking fools. He probably would have given me the stink eye when i drank that glass of wine, too. He would have loved the Wii though.

Doing something like this was a big step for me. I wasn't sure where to put HeeJun's pictures and the scrapbook. Would it make them uncomfortable? They all know me, so would it be weirder if the pictures weren't out. I told my friend that at work I can put on a brave face and be distracted, but at home, I'm still a crying mess. So having the work life merge into the home life, was a big deal for me. Also, having alcohol in the fridge was a big deal, too! Going to the ABC store was the biggest deal!

avoiding sleep again

I have been going to my widows grief group for a year now. It's been 16 months yesterday. I realized that tonight at the group. I thought it was only 15. Only. Will the 9th ever pass one day without me counting the month? I forgot month 16. What does that mean?

I had a very hard time in the group today bringing myself into the grief world. Letting myself "go there". I came in laughing with a friend and it was like a shock to my system when everyone was meditating and deep breathing. "Wait, go back to laughing! Don't think about that sadness! Don't let the tears come", said my body. I was the first to talk and share my story. A shock to get my brain in grief gear. Wait, I haven't told this story in a month. Can't we talk about work or my dogs or tacky Christmas sweaters?

What does that mean? I think I need to share the story more and remember more.

I see the new widows and widowers come in and I am reminded of the shock, the uncontrollable shaking, the gasping for breath, the racing thoughts, the falling down sobbing. It hurts to be reminded of that, but maybe it is a good thing to have that reminder. And maybe it's a good thing for them to see that one day you might walk into the group laughing.

Being exhausted, but not able to sleep.

Comes with the widow territory.

Every night I watch tv until all the good shows are over. I dance around the room for a while, then I head to bed. No, I don't sleep. I check all my facebook friends' status'. I check all my blog friends' posts. I dread when I am done. When no one has posted anymore. When I actually have to put this crackberry down and turn off the light.

I used to go to sleep so easily. No, that's not true. I tossed and turned with HeeJ, but I did not dread sleeping.

I stay up too late every night. Every morning I have to drag myself out of bed because I am so tired and I have no energy. Every morning I say I'm going to bed earlier next time. Every night, I avoid sleep at all costs. That's what I'm doing right now, actually. On my crackberry, posting to no one.

So, thanks for your status updates and posts. Keep them up!

If you don't have anything nice to say...

don't say it at all...

That is why i haven't posted in a while. I just was tired of being gloomy, and tired of my own voice. Because, geez louise, I miss him. I've been told that grief comes in waves often. You think you're done dealing with something and then boom, it's there again.

when i told my counselor some of the things going through my head, she said, "girl, you are IN it". i sighed with relief. thank goodness someone noticed. She gave me "homework" to write down and carry with me some scripture verses to encourage me and remind me of His truths throughout the day. So, what's your favorite verse?

ok. no more gloomy.

the troops came in this weekend! They helped me shop for tacky holiday decorations. Garden Ridge baffled our minds!

They brought me food to last months!

They cleaned, vacuumed, dusted, literally on their hands and knees scrubbing the shower drain! That is a true friend!

We decorated the tacky house til past midnight, in the cold. Some of them are mothers of infants, running on no sleep. That's a true friend!

They each gave me a tacky (or beautiful, depending on your taste) decoration.

please note to pink flamigos!

bah humbug! I even have a hat that says BAH HUMBUG to wear!
We looked through the scrapbook; it's almost complete!

They presented me with a beautiful necklace with Jeremiah 31:3-4 on it and HJK inscribed on the back. It was the best way to start off the month. Because of their encouragement I was able to smile and laugh at holiday parties, I couldn't even fathom going to last year.


See...I'm smiling.





"I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with loving kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt. Again you will take up you tamborines and go out and dance with the joyful."

10 on Tuesday

So many times I would become upset, excited, or sad about something, and tell HeeJun I was going to blog about it. He would laugh and say "you don't even know how to start a blog." We would laugh about it together. That memory was one of the reasons I started this blog. Here are the top 10 things I would tell HeeJun I wanted to blog about this week...

1. Dear friend ND. A young mother just diagnosed with cancer. Probably the bravest person I know. She has such a strong and positive attitude as she faces this earth shaking news. Pray for strength and healing, friends.
2. I posted a while back a picture of the address labels my Alma Mater sent me. I purposely took the picture trying to leave the envelope with my address out of the picture. I didn't even realize that my address was on the labels for the blog world to see! Grief brain. The picture has now been taken down. And if you are some crazy nut reading this and trying to get my address, I have a gun, a vicious dog and a baseball bat that I'm not afraid to swing away!
3. I went to the David Crowder Band concert last week with some great friends. This guy is crazy cool. His song Dance just might be my new theme song. "Dance If You're Wounded/ Dance If You're Torn In Two/.
4. I have also been listening to How He Loves Me by John Mark McMillan. The end is absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to feel that way again. "If HeeJun could sing, he'd say...You are good and oh, how He loves me".
5. I have been watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 since the very beginning, until this year. I've watched bits and pieces this year. It was just too sad to watch. I have a habit of diagnosing people often. Comes with my job. I'm just saying, does any one else think Jon has either gotten involved in some serious drugs or is starting to display symptoms of mental illness?
6. I am absolutely loving Vampire Diaries and Glee. Watching it makes me smile for hours. I can't help but jump around the room and dance to Glee every time it comes on. My superwoman friend AE sent me a CD with the music from Glee. I can't stop dancing around the house, blaring it in the car...so therapeutic.
7. My ring tones after the accident until now are a small reflection of the grief process. "I'll be missing you"- Puff Daddy, "I can't stop missing you"- Trey Songs, "Heaven"- Mary Mary, "Pollen and Salt"-Daphne Loves Derby, "Don't Stop Believing"-Journey, "Dancing with Myself"- Billy Idol.
8. I had to pull out the Widow Card at work this week. Big licensure debacle. All my recreational therapists were freaking out, but things like that don't phase me much anymore. Jail, schmail. On the work note, we really need some better foster care families. I wish I could start all over with the families. Our poor kids. It's such a horrible cycle.
9. Juneau and Moorea are the best dogs for me. Juneau is still a bit aggressive when he is scared. He is just a big ball of anxiety out in the world. But in the house, he is so calm and a proud protector. Moorea is a sweet, cuddly ball of cuteness. She is so loving and adorable. She is starting "puppy" classes now, with hopes that she will be a therapy dog that I can bring to work.
10. I did a lot of babysitting this week. One of the best feelings in the world is holding a crying baby and rocking them to sleep. -sigh-

avoid and distract

I waved goodbye to all the motorcycle stuff tonight. A wonderful new friend came through to help!

So to avoid thinking about it, I'm going to practice riding on my Heelies! I wish I had a cool video of me riding on them. Can you believe I'm 30?!

The Garage

I spent the day taking pictures of all of the motorcycle junk in the garage, and then posting them on Craigslist. I had lots of people offer to help me with this, but as most widow's know, words are easy to say, actions fall through...

The hardest thing to post was the tire changer. I hated that tire changer. HeeJun would call me from the garage and interrupt my precious tv watching time, and have me help him hold down this heavy tire thingy. Oh, i hated it. I love it now. We would laugh at how hard it was and do the dance of joy afterwards. He would also have me spend hours in there measuring exact heights of something for the tire for some kind of brake thingy. I had no idea what I was doing, but it was our thing.

While I was moving stuff around I found a hole in the wall. I totally forgot about that hole. I drove straight into the garage about a month after the accident. Ah, grief. I would say that the fog that grief puts us in lifts one day, but today I stood in front of a car at Target for about 2 minutes so confused why the door wouldn't open. It wasn't my car! oops!

Christian Counseling

I went to a recommended Christian Counselor tonight. She was amazing. I left feeling like, "yep, that's what a counselor is supposed to be like."

She asked what do I want to accomplish during these times: how will I know when I done?

"I feel myself becoming and more cynical and dis-trusting. I don't trust God anymore. I think He's going to just do what He wants anyway, so what's the use in praying. And what He does will probably be bad. These thoughts come into my head that He doesn't love me, He is cruel. I know it's not the Truth. But the thoughts are still there. I want my joy back. I want to trust again."

She didn't say, "oh, you are doing so great" like the other counselor did. She didn't say, "that is totally normal" like everyone wants to say to comfort me. She said, "wow. that is some intense stuff."

Yep. You're right. But I haven't lost my Hope. I still want it. I can't give up. I won't give up. When you believe there is a Heaven and a Hell, you can't give up. I want to trust again.

I got to talk alot about HeeJun, which I loved. She asked what I was like before he died. I couldn't remember. Seriously. I wanted to say "happy", but I know there is so much more to that. I was niave, just blissfully unaware. I really could not remember who I was before all this. What was life like?

She asked who am I now. I told her I am one tough cookie. And I am going to fight for my Joy back!

The Dating Conversation

It's been over a year. I'm getting out and about in the world. So, I thought it would only be right to post my thoughts on dating.

A. I'm going to be the best damn girlfriend/wife ever if I ever do start dating again, because I know how incredibly special and incredible love can be. I know not to argue or stress over the stupid stuff. Who cares about the dishes? Who cares about what television show got recorded? i know how love can be. I am going to rock as a girl friend/wife.

B. But because I am going to rock, he is going to have to be beyond rocking.
1. He is going to have to be the best looking, sexiest man out ever.
2. He is going to have to be ridiculously rich. I'm not going to worry about money anymore.
3. He's going to have to treat me like a princess
4. He will cook and clean. Or understand that I will not.
5. He has to love Jesus deeply, and understand being hurt and confused, but still have his feet planted firmly in his Faith.

Yep, if it ever happens, I'm going to be pretty selfish.

Honestly, though, if a boy ever approached me, I would have no idea what to do. Just like a little school girl. I talk a big game, but I would freak out in real life. I joked at work that all I wanted for my birthday was a gigolo, (being lonely and all) but if someone even held my hand in real life, I would probably start sobbing. Oh, I'm going to be an awesome date!

New Things

I tried to do something new or fun every night this week- went outside my comfort zone. The poor pups didn't get a walk at all this week, since I rolled into the house late every night.

Monday- Small group with singles

Tuesday- Charlotte One (loved it, but hated being alone, )

Wednesday- Zumba

Thursday-Coffee with an encouraging friend

Friday- Bobcats Basketball Game

Saturday- Widows Wear Stillettos Picnic in the Park

I love doing these things, but I hate them at the the same time. I hate that I have to be in a singles Bible Study now., but I love the people in it. I hate that I get to go to Charlotte One, but I love being there. I wish HeeJun was there to join me on the coffee dates (although, he would have never gone), I wish HeeJun was there at the Bobcats game. I wish HeeJ had enjoyed the picnic or met the incredible ladies in the group. But these things have come into my life, because he is not there. So, it's a vicious cycle, right?

No more shopping for me

I think I'm going to stick to online shopping again this year.

I've hit the "stage" where everything makes me cry.

• Little Asian babies.
• Trying on shoes. (HeeJ was an expert shoe-picker-outer)
• Couples holding hands.
• Firehouse Subs opening in Concord Mills.
• Fall Decorations
• Strollers

Yep, I'm that crazy lady crying in the store. Awesome.

Friends

As hurt and confused and mad at God as I am, I acknowledge and thank Him for knowing what He was doing when He brought the West Cabbarrus ladies together.

We have been through some tough stuff. Really tough stuff together. They were there for me immediately when I needed them. Making sure I ate, making sure I slept, making sure I actually got dressed. Like a fellow blogger said, "I was a widow- baby" and needed them to mother me.

News came to me yesterday that another one of us is hurting. Her earth has been shaken.

I have had the earth shaking news. I know the feeling of your knees being kicked in and you can't breathe. Yet, I still found myself not being able to understand it. Not being able to wrap my brain around what was happening. I started saying the stupid cliches, "God has a plan". "I'll pray for you."" Think positive". I even said, "well, thank God this didn't happen when..."! I hated when people said to me, "thank God you are young or thank God you don't have kids."

It's amazing how even though I get it, I don't know what to do.

I know, I'm so judgemental...

I visited a new grief group on Wednesday closer to my house.

I realized immediately how "blessed" i have been with the widows group i joined.

this group sucked.

workbooks and a video. "God is good" niave crap talk. "Oh, just read your Bible" answers. People who were just hiding what they really felt. One woman was super doped up and couldn't stop talking. The leader told a man who just lost his wife 3 weeks ago to cancer, "after my kids died, I prayed God would give me cancer". The leader said that to him!! discernment, much? (we've all thought it, but you don't say it...)

We watched the video, said "that was good", offered stupid prayer requests (really, prayer requests?!! Like, "oh my great aunt miffy's dog is sick" requests!), hugged, then left.

Man, I have been lucky with the group I am in. I actually felt bad for the other people in this group who didn't know that there are groups that offer real support, real understanding, and real comfort.

Wordless Wednesday

(sigh. my 2nd favorite HeeJun face...)

10 on Tuesday

1. There is a mouse in my house. That is just how filthy and messy I have let things go. At least it's better than a moose in my caboose or a rat in my hat, according to my dad.

2. I went to the chiropractor for the first time for my back on Monday. Oh, man. I wish I had gone 6 months ago. It feels so much better.

3. My brain has officially stopped working. I used to be able to read books every night. After the accident, I could only read Gossip magazines. Now I can't even read those. Just watch television all night.

4. Or work on the scrapbook, as I am watching television.

5. Juneau the dog came to me completely house trained and with excellent manners (other than his fear of kids and wheels and other dogs). Moorea, although sweet and adorable, keeps peeing when she is excited and she has no idea how to walk on a leash. Oh, but she is sooooo sweet. She is sitting in my lap right now, just cuddling.

6. I found a grief group called GriefShare that meets close to my house. I'm debating now, also joining that group, along with my young widows group. And going to a counselor. Maybe someone will have the answer, right?

7. The Fall Fest has taken over at work. My office is filled with costumes, pumpkins, and decorations! I used to love this time of year...

8. Now I hate it.

9. HeeJun proposed on Halloween.

10. It's Tuesday, right?

How are you?

Boss- "Hey, you look stressed. How is your morning going?"
Me-"Well, I woke up this morning and heard my dog snoring. i thought it was my husband...so...all this stress ain't nothing."

From the beach to the mountains

the beach

I wish I knew how to upload pictures on my phone to this blog. I'll figure it out.

For now, I'm sitting on the beach with new friends (who I actually restrained all day today) and enjoying this.

I might have to schedule an annual October trip to the beach. It's wonderful. And I usually hate the ocean.

I've been in training to learn to be an intructor for restraints and crisis intervention. I am so sore today. I never thought I would be learning how to do this. It's interesting how my "priorities" have changed. That's not even the right word. The things I focus on have changed...no, that's not right either. Let's say I focus on learning as much as I can about work and moving into leadership roles, to take away from thinking about what I used to think about. HeeJun, babies, being a wife and mother...work distracts me.

the beach

I wish I knew how to upload pictures on my phone to this blog. I'll figure it out.

For now, I'm sitting on the beach with new friends (who I actually restrained all day today) and enjoying this.

I might have to schedule an annual October trip to the beach. It's wonderful. And I usually hate the ocean.

I've been in training to learn to be an intructor for restraints and crisis intervention. I am so sore today. I never thought I would be learning how to do this. It's interesting how my "priorities" have changed. That's not even the right word. The things I focus on have changed...no, that's not right either. Let's say I focus on learning as much as I can about work and moving into leadership roles, to take away from thinking about what I used to think about. HeeJun, babies, being a wife and mother...work distracts me.

a widow's 10 on Tuesday

1. It's Tuesday, right?

2. I'm at a conference at the beach for work. I had a little meltdown the first night being alone. I realized it's the first time I've been alone without dogs or people since the accident. I realized it's the first time I ever checked into a hotel on my own. I could almost hear the soundtrack, "all by myself" playing as I ate my spaghetti and drank my wine in the hotel retaurant.

3. I have become dumber. I have noticed that I can't find words often and just go blank. I also stutter or slur words a lot now. It's all related to the grief, I know. But I'm dumb. I have a hard time even reading a simple book, let alone answer these test questions for this conference.

4 I think I might need to go to a pastoral counselor. I have some many issues now with God. It's impossible for me to say God is good. I scoff when I hear people say it or think they have no idea. I KNOW that's not true. But it's what my heart thinks. Counseling, much?

5. I would really like to get my garden going or finish painting or clean my house or finish scrapbooking, but I just can't find the energy. Anyone know a good gardener?

6. I swam with about 20 dolphins today. For real. They were leaping and playing about 15 feet from me. HeeJun would have thought it was so cool.

7. My dogs are the most wonderful and precious pups ever. I was thinking the other day that a few things have come into my life directly because of HeeJun's death; the dogs are one. Two very incredible friendships came back after the accident. J and S call weekly and our friendship has strengthened since. They knew I needed them and I am so grateful for them. And my sister. We talk just about daily now and again, our relationship has strengthened. I don't say this as a "look at the good that came out of HeeJ's death" or as a "I would rather have HeeJ". It was just a realization. It would have been the best to have HeeJ, the pups, my sister and my friends all at the same time.

8. I love Vampire Diaries and Glee! The thought that it will be on, keeps me going all day. I know, they are sooo sinful, but oh, so good!

9.My back is freaking killing me. The shots only made it worse. I finally gave in and went to a wonderful chiropractor. He actually got me into a massage. Best massage ever. It really helped. Perhaps, there is hope.

10. I am addicted to facebook. But it annoys the crap out of me. I can't stand when people complain about stupid stuff and I want to gag at the happy stuff. Lucky bastards is what I want to say. But then again, I still check it every day. Glutton for punishment.

A widow's 10 just isn't as fun, is it?

When my thoughts turn to loneliness and heartache, it helps to have this little girl around.

Quilt

WomanNShadows finished my quilt and delivered it to me on Thursday. I knew she was going to have it with her at our Widow's Group and when I saw her I simply zoned in on her and the quilt. I didn't even see anyone else in the room. I am slowly learning that this is part of my coping skills. Just zone in on what needs to get done, so I won't actually lose it right there. It can be a good coping skill, but also a bad one. I can't remember anything around me or what is going on when I'm zoned out.

So many of his t-shirts and pants and jeans...notice his yellow swim trunks he wore in Bora Bora, and his motorcycle t-shirts...

This side has the shirts sewn on but still like shirts...if that makes sense...I know exactly where he bought each shirt, and when he wore them...

This was the shirt he wore when he painted our bedroom as a surprise for me. The paint stains are still on the shirt.

The quilt is gorgeous. Very heavy and warm. She actually made two quilts and put them together, so the front is different from the back

s

When I Grow Up I Wanna Be a Tree

And reach,

reach,

reach to the sky...

This weekend was the tree planting ceremony at the high school HeeJun and I attended. My mom, dad and my wonderful neighbors headed the organizing and planting of the tree. It was such a kind and thoughtful gesture. They picked the kind of tree that is outside his parents house. He always thought it was so cool and always commented on how beautiful it was.

Supportive family and friends gathered at the high school where HeeJun and I started our story.

I felt so anxious all morning. The first time I actually asked for some drugs. Alas, no one had any!

I was actually able to say something this time. At the funeral, i could barely speak, let alone stand up and say something. This almost felt like it was going to be the funeral that I would remember. While I was driving to Raleigh for the ceremony, my mind couldn't help but repeat the day of the funeral in my head. Who was there? What was said? I have no idea. What I do know is that I was surrounded by love and support that day. As I was this weekend. We had a picnic at Shelley Lake afterwards, the lake that HeeJun and I enjoyed many picnics and walks.

Here's what I said: (or what I think I said...kind of a blur)

" HeeJun believed being an individual, being different was important. So when I was trying to figure out what I was going to say today, it didn't seem right to read someone elses' words, Shakespeare or even my own seemed wrong. That just wasn't HeeJun. So I went through his journals, letters and cards to me and wrote down some things he would have said if... in his own words.

Wings are only good super hot and better if shared with friends who can't handle the heat.

Food is the best part of a wedding or party, and you should never share your fries.

Work hard, so you can play hard. No excuses, play like a champion. The first chance you get, go see the glaciers in Alaska.

Crashing is part of the game. Wear gear and keep a level head.

Respect your parents. He wrote, " my parents have taught me right from wrong, have taught me all my morals. They had a great impact on who I have become. I love them, even thought I don't say it enough.

Expect great things from God. Attempt great things for God.

He wrote, "What do I have to fear? God is in control and has a plan for my future, my job, my wife, my friends. Man, He has a plan and it is so much greater than my own. I have a relationship with the God of the universe. Without a shadow of a doubt He loves me. He is so real to me it's like He is sitting right next to me and I want to dwell in that place forever."

He wrote "I love you and love never dies".

Then an understanding neighbor read a poem;

We Remember Him

In the rising of the sun and its going down

We remember him.

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of the winter

We remember him.

In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring

We remember him.

In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of the summer,

we remember him.

In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn,

we remember him.

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,

we remember him.

When we are weary and in need of strength,

we remember him.

When we are lost and sick at heart,

we remember him.

When we have joys we yearn to share,

we remember him.

So long as we live, he too shall live,

For he is now a part of us,

as we remember him.

"I will not fail you, my love. I will continue on the path we shared and I know you will be there to help me, as you always were. And when we meet again at the journey’s end, and we laugh together once more, I will have a thousand things to tell you."-Unknown

There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity. ~Washington Irving

Some great quotes I found on Widow's Voice.

I'm sad now. Maybe it's because I had an exhausting weekend- my wonderful sister drove 8 hours to come visit for our birthdays. Her birthday is the day after mine. I always thought that was so cool. Still do. Maybe it's because I just woke up from a nap to an empty and quiet house after 5 days of LIFE in my house. Maybe it's because I'm freaking 30 and have been avoiding it for weeks.

The kids at work sang happy birthday to me. I smiled and laughed. They don't get it. Most adults don't even get why i scoffed or rolled my eyes when they said "happy birthday".

I went out with my awesome co-workers and sister for dinner. I smiled and laughed and actually had fun. But I made sure not to remember that it was my birthday.

Having Brittany here and her 2 dogs and my parents and their dog was a great distraction. Lots of laughter.

But right now, at this moment, I'm freaking 30 and I hate it. I hate being this age without HeeJun. I hate that in 22 days I will be older than he got to be. I hate that this is my life at 30. I thought it would be so different. this was not the plan. I hate that now I almost feel like Rachel in Friends (HeeJun's favorite show) when she turns 30 and realizes she is getting old and wants a baby. Oh, I know lots of people have babies after 30. But I want HeeJun's baby. I want HeeJun back.

Sometimes I can go a couple hours living life and then I remember he is gone. Remember isn't the right word. Realize he is really gone. that this is real. That feeling compares to having fingernails on a blackboard, or a knife just poking at your skin,...I tense up and my insides feel like they're shattering. On the outside though, I keep living. No one knows. Some people don't even realize I am still hurting. "Man, she's doing great."

I have learned to expect these moments and take a deep breath in. I know that having these bone shattering moments in my mind are the reason the rest of my body is all out of whack too. It's all connected, right?

I feel old. I think I'll go outside and yell at the kids running across my grass.

The Birthday that must not be named

I'll be 30 on Thursday.

I refuse to celebrate. It's just going to be too hard.

HeeJun's last birthday was his 30th.

This is not what my life was supposed to be at 30.

In a few days I will be older than HeeJun ever got to be.

Do you ever feel like just screaming a bunch of obscensities for hours?

I'm also pretty tired of my own voice, so...

A quilt

This deserved a post all on its own.

My dear, wonderful, lovely best friend from childhood (next door neighbor since I was 5) made me a quilt. I vaguely remember mailing some of HeeJun's shirts to her with a "could you try to make something with these?" request.

She delivered the quilt to me the day of her baby shower. It was a day to celebrate her and her baby, but she walked home from the shower with me and gave me the quilt. My Sarah is pretty fantastic, huh? I can not express how much it means. I was already pretty emotional from the shower and seeing some old friends, but when I saw that quilt, that t-shirt, that pocket, i couldn't hold back the tears. thank goodness for comedy. we took silly pictures with it as a cape!

So, now i will have two uniquely different "capes". One from a friend who knows me best, one from a friend who knows this pain best.

My excuses for being absent

I sold my old tv and bought a new one. Major temper tantrums ensued. I had to hire "a boy" to hook it all up. Lots of "why isn't HeeJun here?" and "why did he do this?!" tears!

I got a new lawn mower for my birthday. I tried to start it...

and, of course, my father ended up doing it. I actually just came in from a major meltdown outside battling the stupid lawn mower. Thank goodness for concerned neighbors!

I went in for what I thought was going to be a little cortizone shot for my aching back. They gave me some happy juice and that is all I remember from the day. My back still aches, but the happy juice was worth it!
Sweet Moorea and Jumpy Juneau keep me busy and entertained. She is ADORABLE and so perfect. He is a protector and a loyal friend.

She got her first haircut today!

Work is keeping me busy! It is ironic- just a little over a year ago, the "plans" were to leave work and be a stay at home mom. Ah, plans...
Yes, I wore this in public.


Purple Day!
Pajama Day at work. Can't complain when you get to wear sleepies to work!

I have also become friends with a new member of this "horrible club we have that no one wants to join"- the widow's club. I have no idea how she is standing. It's weird being on this side of grief- the side that hurt becomes familiar and you learn to keep breathing. I have noticed that God has been placing several new young widows in my life lately. I have been able to be to them what Kathryn was for me. But, on my side, it also reaffirms to me that I'm not crazy. It is totally normal to not be able to take a deep breath, to think that your husband is laying in bed with you, to dream that it never happened, to not be able to get out of bed, to have your mind going a hundred miles a minute, to forget things, to want to keep busy, to want to be alone, to want to be surrounded by friends, to cry over the lawn mower, to laugh at inappropriate times. I remember all that, and still go through it often. Not as often as before. And that is what I can tell them. "Not as often as before." So, that's hopeful, right?